My Mom Has The Right To Remain Silent, But Not The Ability

Let me preface this post by assuring you all the my mother did not get arrested and was not mirandized. However, as things go with my family, I wouldn't be surprised if she had been.

I am out of town right now. I left my car with my parents. My mom called once and ask if she could take my car somewhere. Apparently, that was a cart blanch approval for her to use it at will. Truth is I don't care that much, as long as she doesn't return it any worse than she found it. That includes getting me in trouble with the police.

Tonight, she was driving my car. I ask why, and she said something about taking ice to her shop, which must mean that my car hauls ice better than her car does. I think my car is just cleaner and has less crap in it. Anyway, she then told me it was a good thing that she was driving my car, because she was glad that she got the ticket instead of me.

Ticket? Oh yes.

As soon as she pulled out of her shop parking lot, she was pulled over. She got a ticket for having a tail light out and a brake light out.

You see, when I got there, I had an issue with my brake lights. The first thing I did was get my brother, who is an actual auto mechanic, and even manages an auto mechanic shop, to look at it. He checked my lights, and was supposed to buy my new lights. His shop, though, didn't carry the right very expensive lights to replace anything VW, and he was going to have to order them. I gave him the money and ask him to do so. That never happened. He actually took out one of my bulbs, and kept it to make sure he had the right thing. He still has it. However, I did try to fix my brake lights when we realized that all 3 of my lights couldn't have gone out at once. I ended up taking my car in to the dealer to have it fixed. It was fixed, mostly.

Which is why my mom was very surprised about the brake light, and mentioned that to the police officer. He told her the brake light was out, and she replied "Well, that is odd". He didn't respond to her fishing expedition as she hoped. So, she told him again "That is really odd that the light is out. I find that hard to believe." He just looked at her, not sure why she would find it so hard to believe. So, she just launched into a story.

"See, we just drove this car across country, and we didn't know that the entire trip the break lights were out. The whole way...."

I'm going to stop retelling her part of the story there.
It is true, we did drive across country not realizing that my break lights were out. At the very start of our drive across country to move from San Diego back to Tennessee, I had a little problem with my car. All the indicator lights came on. I lost power. This was all at the very start of our journey, as I began to pull out of my parking space. I simply cut the car off and back on, as a part of the computer generation that thinks everything can be solved with a reboot, and things seemed to be fine. The car did work, and so we came on, driving through storms and bad weather, with very low visibility some days. It wasn't until we got to Atlanta that we found out my brake lights were out. When we got back home, my brother looked at it, couldn't find the problem, but did note that two of my bulbs had blown, not both brake lights. I found out there was a recall on the brake light switched. That was what caused the odd power loss and indicator light thing at the beginning of the trip. The switch failed. It was replaced, and my brake lights worked again. Until apparently just recently, when a different bulb blew.

So my mom recalls part of this story for the police officer. Now, I may talk too much sometimes, but I do have the ability to realize when I am telling on myself, and not do it. My mom does not.

I can not believe that she told the officer that we did something so dangerous.

I ask if he responded to her story. He did not. He was probably thinking something along the same lines I did.

He let her go with the ticket, and thankfully didn't imprison her for something else she ended up tackling her self into committing, nor did he impound my car to keep it out of the hands of people who would admit their crimes as such.

My mom immediately called my little brother. She did not call to tell him that she needed the car light fixed, really, though that did come up. She called to tell him that he caused her to get a ticket.

I will say it is partially his fault, but let's be honest. If mom had just taken her own car, this would not have happened.
Maybe it was better that she got the ticket rather than me. I think I would have probably lost it, but I would have done so internally, at least until the officer left.

I Don't Want To Eat Alone

Tonight, the family and I went out to eat. Nothing fancy, but it is one of our favorite places, a large salad bar buffet kind of place.

After we had been there a few minutes, I noticed a woman walk over and sit in front of us. I may not have paid any real attention to her but I noticed She looked at us a couple of times. Then I realized She was alone.

I would guess she was in her early forties. There was no ring on her finger. She wore nice, business type attire, and left a decent tip on the table. So, I believe her to be unmarried and working, an independent woman if you will. That is all fabulous and I'm sure she has far more pairs of shoes than I could ever afford.

She sat at a small table against the wall, and ate all by herself. I tried not to stare, but I couldn't help but notice and think about it.

I couldn't do that. I could not go out alone to eat like that. Perhaps she is simply braver than I, more courageous, or just more of a woman than I will ever be, but I really felt a little bad for her.

At first I want to be the liberated strong feminist who thinks "good for her. She can do anything she wants to do", but the reality is, I would not want to eat alone, no matter how fabulous I was.

Eating out is such a social thing to do. Perhaps that is to our detriment in this nation, but none the less, it is a very social thing to do. I'm sure there are occasions where eating alone is more acceptable, probably much more so later on in life where is it more likely that a spouse has passed, but to be youngish and have no one to eat with just seems lonely to me.

She may have children, but why not wait until they could go with you to eat? This wasn't fast food and grabbing a bite, but sitting down to graze kind of place. Why wouldn't you call a friend, or someone else to just hang with?

I'm not judging her in the least. If her life works for her, then I think it is fantastic. I do have to wonder if her life works for her, though. I hope it does.

Maybe she was staring at us because she wished she were with a family, or perhaps she was staring at us thinking about how glad she was not to have to feed children, wipe mouths, keep buts in seats, and that she got to eat in relative peace, minus the chaos spreading from our table outward.

How ever it works out, I hope she is happy in her life where it is, and if not, then I hope she finds her own happiness soon.

Detour Ahead

Ever feel like you made a wrong turn in life?

Lately it seems that is all I do. I feel like I am nearly constantly lost. Just when I find the path that will lead me back to where I want to be, some how I make yet another wrong turn and get lost all over again. In the real world we live in, I have no sense of direction. Apparently, this has become true of my emotional self as well.

The biggest problem with all this unlike day to day life, I can't run down to Best Buy and get a GPS to guide me through my emotional and spiritual affairs. There is no GPS, no manual, nothing that actually helps. Truthfully, though I am not alone, I have fantastic people who are always there for me, they can't really help guide me though. Everything must be my decision. It is hard. Hard isn't even the word right now.

Sometimes, I wish that I were little all over again. I wish my mom could come in and tell me the right thing to do. She could tell me how everything could be fixed, and she could kiss away all the tears.

I envy my girls in that. Everyday, as their mom, I work to make sure they don't see or feel my anxieties and emotional quagmire. They don't know most of the story. They get to keep on trucking, and be happy; be children. That is their job though. I had my turn at that and now I do my job as it is, being the mom and figuring everything out.

I guess I'll just keep on trying to figure things out, day by day, turn by turn, until hopefully I end up somewhere I want to be again.
Besides, even if they did make a GPS for life situations, it would be my luck the one I pick up wouldn't work. It would probably lead me down the path just right for a lama Herder in Tibet. I would prefer a freeway in San Diego, thanks.

My Night Terror

When we were picking names for The Big One, it took so much discussion. WE never once considered the meaning of her name, when we settled on something we both loved. I think this may have been a huge mistake. Her name means something along the lines of "night demon" or "night terror".
NO really, it does.

And it fits.

The Big One has always been a terrible sleeper. Terrible. As a child, she never slept. She just stayed up and cried for days on end. She would only sleep if you were holding her. It was pure torture to put her down at night. There was screaming, crying, wailing, pleading, from both parent and child, each night. Really, it was bad. As she has gotten older, the problems have changed, but she is still a terrible sleeper in many ways.

Now that she is bigger, with much longer legs, it quite painful in a very different way to sleep with her.

If The Girls often end up sleeping with my in my queen size bed. This should be no big deal for one adult and two children, one of whom is still pretty small. I put The Big One on the far side, The Little One in the middle, and me on the near side of the bed. Some how, though, I always end up getting kicked by The Big One all night long! A couple of nights ago, I woke up with her head laying on me, and her body across her sister. I had to move her back into position. Last night, I woke up feeling feet on The Little One. It took me a moment in my sleepy stupor to realize that it was The Big One. She had moved so that her head was at the foot of the bed, and she was laying her feet on her sister's stomach. I have no idea how this happened. I immediately tried to move her, but I couldn't pick her up where she was. I had to wake her. She was so out of it, she just started crying. She stood straight up on the bed, and wouldn't move, just stood there crying. It was fantastic to try to deal with a 3am. I eventually got her into position and as soon as her head hit the pillow all was well again, OR at least as well as it can be when she somehow manages to continue kicking me across her sister.

However odd the definition of her name may be, I have to say, her name is fitting. I don't know if that means we cursed her into being the worlds worst sleeper, or if it is pure coincidence, but it fits. I often wonder if we had named her something with a more peaceful meaning, if she would have been a better sleeper, but such is life. She is who she is, and I love her just as she is, terrible sleeping habits and all.

I just can't go there...

I love to lay around with my girls, snuggle, and watch a movie. Usually I let the girls get together and pick the movie. I will give a little input if needed. For example, I might interject "stop fighting g or no one gets s movie" otherwise, its up to them.

Tonight, we were going yo watch s movie and snuggle, staying up late in celebration of today being the last day of school. So I gave the girls the movie case, and the usual speech about cooperation, and let them pick. Their pick tonight fell so far off my mark I couldn't handle it.

When The Big One was very little, we found this great series of DVDs, similar to the Baby Einstein concept, but made locally in San Diego. The DVDs were great for helping to put her to sleep, or keep her from crying. They were never something we would really watch with her.

When the Little One came along, we used them with her, too. She loved them even more than her big sister and would listen to the music to go to sleep almost everyday.

One of these DVDs is a whole collection of classic children's songs, with animated characters and children singing, and some adult with a voice that makes me want to tear my ears off singing. If you are a parent, you know that there are some children's songs, that even if the person singing has a good voice, the style and production of these songs will drive you crazy. Well, this is an entire DVD complete with horrible matching visuals.

The problem is that The Little One still loves it. Somehow, last night she even got her big sister to agree to watch it.

I can't do it. With all of the stress I am already under, I think that laying down to watch that entire DVD would have sent me over the deep edge. Strait over, with a graceful swan dive.

SO, I had to opt out. I let them watch the movie alone, then came back in later to snuggle. I felt kind of bad for abandoning them to watch alone, but seriously, it was better for all of us that I did.

Tonight, I will be picking the movie.

I Am The Punching Bag

I think somehow my karma must have gotten mixed up with that of a piece of gym equipment, because of late, I feel like nothng but a punching bag. Blow after blow just keeps on coming. I'm not sure how a punching bag takes it, but I can tell you that a person isn't meant for this much punishment.

Snuggeling Is Nice And All...

The Little One is a snuggley kind of kid. She loves to cuddle up at night. In fact, I would say she pretty much insists on it. She sleeps in my bed pretty much every night, and not just on my bed, but she seems to need to be right up against me. Even more specifically, She likes to turn on her side, and put her butt up against you. SO, as a general rule, I fall asleep every night with a little butt tucked up neatly against my side or back.

Its fantastic. I don't really complain about the lack of personal space anymore. I realize fully well that this is my youngest child, and she is growing so quickly. It won't be long at all before she wants nothing to do with me, and insists that i drop her off on the corner of the school yard so that no one even sees me. So, I take these moments and bits of time as I can get them, since they will be what I have to cling to in the difficult teen years to come.

Really, it is all all fantastic, until, that is, her still very young bladder and overly tired body decide that they just aren't ready to grow up.
There isn't anything quite as special as waking up to a nice warm feeling spreading across your back or side, and then realizing what is happening.
Poor baby. I've noticed that when she goes to sleep way to late, this can happen for her. I realize her body just needs more time to mature, and she will grow out of it, but in the mean time, it is such a truly disturbing experience at 2:00am.
Not just for me, either. The Little One hates it.

She woke up this morning very upset as she was peeing and said "I have pee all over me."
It was not a happy moment.
We got her all cleaned up. New sheets on the bed, and a clean comforter. I changed my clothes, washed off, and we were ready to go back to bed.

So, risk of pee or not, we snuggled back up, and I feel asleep, with a little but tucked neatly up against me.