I Get The Van Now

WE are currently facing a serious car dilemma.  Since just before The Littlest One arrived, we found out that our three necessary safety seats will not all fit in my car simultaneously.  Before you assume I drive a MiniCooper or some such, let me tell you that I drive a nice, normal, crossover vehicle, made for the modern family.  More specifically, I drive a Mazda CX-7.  Google it.
I love my car.  With two girls, it was beyond fantastic for our family.  The problem isn't really that we have too large a family, now, its that the modern family car is based on a two child per family ratio.  I swear all things are based on two kids.  When someone wins a family based prize, like a trip somewhere fantastic, its always two adults and two children, or maybe you win four tickets to something.  You see, life now is based on a four person household maximum.  My car fits that idea perfectly.  That, however, is not the idea of our perfect family.  We went bigger. So, now we don't fit the norm, not that I have ever aspired to do so.
Currently, I must drive my husband's truck because it is bigger than the car, and will fit all three children simultaneously.  He has a really, really nice new truck.  It is lovely to look at, and even pretty easy to drive, but I have to tell you, I am not a big car person.  That would be why I selected that nice little Mazda last year.  It was plenty big enough at that time, without my thinking there would be a third, but not way too big.
Now, I really need to go bigger again.  I have no idea what to get.  I don't want to jump to a beast of a vehicle and I have always sworn off mini vans.  I have always loathed them, and the fact that driving one is seriously giving up every bit of sexy a car can give off.  I have to admit, though. that for the first time, I really got the appeal of a mini van during school pick up yesterday.  Right now, I get all the kids on one side of the street, open the door, and let them climb in one at a time, very slowly, before we can move on.  The Littlest One sits in the middle of the other two.  So, one child goes, then there is a long wait while I put her into her little carrier base thing.  After that, the other child gets to slowly climb in.  It takes us forever.  It hit me that if I had a mini van, I could hit a button on my remote, have the door open as we got there, and tell the girls who can currently walk to just jump in and get in their own seats at the same time.  I imagine that would cut 5 minutes off our morning routine.  That is a ton of time for us when we need every minute sometimes.
So, now we have to decide what to do.  I don't want to keep driving the beast of a truck and parking on the street because it won't fit in our garage.  I want to drive my car, that sits in the garage at night, and always has a nice, cozy place to park.  We are going to have to really think about our next vehicle purchase. I want to give my husband his truck back as soon as possible, And I'm sure he would be glad to give my mom mobile back to me. 

Ack! I need a career!

Last night, I was chatting with someone, and discussing my future plans. Though I am a stay at home mom (who is never home) right now, I have always planned on returning to the paid version of the working world once all of my children start attending school. During my discussion, I said something to the other person about my youngest starting school in 3 years.

Wow.

That means I have 3 years to be ready to go back to work. While that may seem like a long time, it really isn't when you consider what all I have to do.

First, and I truly hope this comes as a shock to those who read my fabulously well written posts, I have yet to earn a college degree. Though I did start, I never finished. Now, there has been such a time lag in between starting and the time that I am ready to go back, that I believe I will have to start all over again. I have 3 years. It generally takes a bit longer than that to get a 4 year degree. That doesn't bode well for me being ready.

Before I can even go back to school, though, I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I haven't figured that out yet. Perhaps I should have years ago, but I really just don't know. I have so many things that I would like to do, I don't know that I can make a decision. This is going to be a long process, and over the last few years, in particular since I became a mother and then started running a few community based organizations, the experiences and interest in different career paths keeps changing. Ugg. Choosing a career path isn't easy.

Then, I have to find the time and money to actually get back in school. Along with, of course, finding a school. I think I have some of that covered, thanks to my husbands GI Bill. I am very thankful that the contribution of a military spouse was recognized in this aspect, and what we are now able to use our spouses GI Bill, if they don't. Sp, at least that makes things easier. The time might be an issue, but I think I can handle it. It really comes down to where. I don't think I will be able to handle a tradition class room based school, as I am functioning like a single parent right now. A poor one who can't afford a baby sitter all the time, at that. So, it looks like I will have to go the internet route. Not problem, as long as I can find a good school to attend.

At least I know that over the last few years, I have been building experience. I am a Community Organizer. If that can work on your Presidential resume, then I think it will be good enough to fill in my gaps on my little resume.

Still, experience building aside, I need to get hopping on this one. I need a degree, and I need it now. I want to be ready to go back to the workforce, and be able to help pay bills, not by just writing the check, but by actually contributing to the money pool they get paid from. That would be great.

So, I think I'll be career shopping for the next few weeks. Maybe, since I seemed to have missed this in high school, I can even try to hit up a local school's career day. Ok. Maybe not, but some how I need to figure out what I want to be, and actually get cracking on it.

Anyone know of a great career where you get paid lots and lots of money, but don't have to work a full 8 hour day, or be in before 10am?

The End of A Pa-Era

Well, hopefully, this is the end.

The Little Onehas a well established pa-habit. Recently, she starting biting through the nipples. I realize that is a sign they probably need to go, but I am not about to push it. The child need her safety binkie right now, and I had no intentions of taking that away.

Instead, I have been constantly telling her, warning her really, that if she bit through them, they went into the trash. I told her that once they were all gone, that would be it. My intentions were of course not the same as my words. As I said, I have no desire to push this issue at the present time. I plainly intended to sneak a new pack into our shopping cart the next time we were at Wal-Mart. We are, in fact, as least 3 days really past due for that shopping trip. We are all sick, and San Diego happens to actually be in the midst of long lasting rain front. So, we haven't gone anywhere. No new pacifiers (pas).

Over the last 2 weeks or so, we have thrown away at least 4 pas. I watched as our supply was dwindling, not worried as I new we needed to go out soon, anyway. Saturday, when I had the new baby sitter over, I remembered to show her the stash in a cubbard, and told her to break into it as needed. Well, the little one was a little wild that night, and by the time I got home, we were on the last one!! We didn't go out yesterday, or today. I thought we could make it until tomorrow.

Don't bite, I kept reminding her. Hoping that she could just make it with out destroying this one.

Shortly after she woke up from her nap today, she ask me to wash her pa. When I took it, I saw she had bitten into it and torn it already.

"Oh no. You bit it. Momma has to throw it away."

She reached over and very gently took the pa back. She looked at it for a second, then put it in her mouth.

"No. No trash pa." She said around it.

"Yes. You know that if you bite them, they have to go in the trash. They aren't safe anymore."

"No good?"

"No."

"Trash?"

"Yes. Trash."

She looked up at me with those big round eyes, very solemn and sad. She walked over to the trash cabinet, opened it, looked at me one more time and ask "Trash?" again.
"Yes. Trash." I told her. I was never mean about it, just sort of sad myself.
She dropped it in.

"New one?"

"No. We don't have any new ones. All the new ones are at the store, and we aren't going to the store."

"Go." She walked quickly over to the shoe basket and started to put her shoes on.

"No, Ava. We aren't going to the store. No new ones."

She didn't say anything. She just sort of looked at me with this resigned look, then walked out to the living room. There were several times today where she went to go get her jacket, and ask for a new one. I just repeated the same answer very gently all day.

"No new ones."

She whined for it just a couple of times, but then after I reminded her they were gone, she remember she threw it away, and she would move on.

So, now it is bed time. I have her laying down. I gave her a cup of water. I know, it isn't good to replace one bad habit with another, but I am not looking for a fight. If not, I'll be up all night looking for one. I know I am in for a few days of less sleep, but in all honesty, it won't be that different than any other night for me of late.
I feel bad for her. I didn't want to take her security object away until her Daddy came back, but I guess she is ready. My baby is becoming a big girl.

I hope you sleep well tonight big girl. You can still bunk with me for a while, at least.

The Hardest Line

Sometimes, life is a very difficult balancing act.

You have to find a way to balance the needs of those around you, your needs, your family's needs, and so on, to make things work for your life like they need to and should.

As a young person, it is easy to allow your life to be totally out of balance. You don't care what happens, you just do what you do to have fun, and be young.

As you get older, and hopefully more mature, though, keeping things in balance becomes so important. You find you really can't quite function with out it.

Keeping that balance, making your life what you want it to be, sometimes requires very difficult decisions.

Tonight, I made a very difficult decision. I had to say no to a friend whom I love dearly. As a friend, she wears the title of best for a reason. However, as much as I love her, and I do, I can not in good conscious say yes to something she ask. It isn't a little thing, and I don't say no lightly. In fact, no is a very painful word for me right now. However, I have to look at all the things in my life, and see where my decision falls. I took some time, a lot of time, and looked at how this decision would throw things out of balance for me. If I said yes, it would affect my family in a negative way, and frankly, I can't afford to do that anymore. Saying yes, even though I desperately want to, would cause more harm for us, than it would good for her. The teeter totter would be sitting with her in the air, in the good seat, and my family stuck on the ground, legs all bunched up around them, just waiting to get up, at least to the middle ground again.

I also have to keep a very precise mental balance. My life is full of so much stress right now, that I border on being off balance at any moment. In fact, the stress of just her question alone has tipped the scale in a way that I can not allow to continue. Some of the things that cause my stress I can not change, no matter how I want to. They are the facts of how we live our lives, and so I must deal with them. I have to take a very careful look at all the things that are weighing on me, and decide what I am able to cut. This is the one thing I can cut. While tonight, I am deeply saddened, and have shed many tears over my decision, I know that in the long run, it was the only thing I could do, to even attempt to regain my mental balance.

I did make an attempt before saying no. I tried to find a way to make it work, but both people on the teeter toter have to work together, and be willing to sit in the mid position, for it to be able to stay like that. She wants to be up in the air right now, and maybe she has earned her turn to be there. I just can't keep my family down, in order to keep her up.

If I were younger, I would have said yes, without thinking. I would have moved mountains to say yes. Come hell or high water, I would have been there. I can't do that anymore, though.

I have to make the hard, grown up decision. I have to look at my girls, and know that I am doing the right things for them. The right thing for all of us, even if it isn't the easy thing.

So, I say no. With a heavy, sick heart, and very sincerely hope that she enjoys her time sitting high as much as she possibly can. I hope she loves every minute of it, and when she is ready to come down again, I hope she can find her own balance.