MY Sweet Sensitive Child

This Big One is very much a sensitive child.  She takes everything to heart.  Right now, that is working against her.
She is having a difficult time dealing with the death of her friend's mother.  At her age, having a friend's mother die is a total shock.  That stuff is supposed to happen when your friend is 50, not 7, but here it is.

All day today, she needed me.  This child doesn't need me unless the milk jug is too full and she knows she will spill it.  Today, though, I was needed constantly.  It took forever to do math homework.  Again, this child does not need me.  She is well, and I mean well, above average when it comes to math.  Today, though, I had to show her how to do each problem again and again.  At one point, I finally had to go do laundry and get out of eyesight or else she would have really wanted me to sit and explain each little problem to her repeatedly, and that doesn't help her learn. She needed to sit by me, on me, on the couch tonight. She had to be in the kitchen with me no matter what I was doing.  I had to turn the water on for her bath, because I get it right.  I needed to wrap her towel around her after bath.  I needed to put her to bed, and stay in bed with her, which I did, until she fell asleep.  All day today, she needed me.

She is scared.   She needs to know that I am there.  I have opened the door many times to talk about what happened, but she doesnt' want to, not yet.

We did manage to talk about her friend.  I explained that even The Big One doesn't want to talk about the death and how she feels, she needs to let her friend talk to her.  She doesn't have to respond verbally, or discuss it, but just be a friend and listen.  I explained to her that it might make her friend feel better to get to talk about her mom to someone who will listen, and The Big One can do that.

Bless her little heart, when I told her how it makes you feel better to talk to about someone that you lost she said that it was like when I talk about Princess, my old family dog who died long before The Big One was born.  She had tears in her eyes when she told me that she loved Princess too because of all of the stories my Mom and I tell her.  It was so sweet.  She is just that kind of child.  She feels everything, for everyone.  While that can be a wonderful attribute, it can also make like a little harder sometimes, like right now.

It was a difficult day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better, and each day we can gain back a little of her independence.  I will dote on her a little extra each day, and make sure she knows I love her, and am here for her.  I will always be here for her, as long as I am here.  I love The Girls more than anything in this world, and if it means turning on their bath water when they are 17, and they just need me, so be it.  That's what moms do when you hurt.  We kiss it and make it better.  The Big One got lots and lots of kisses today, and has lots more coming in the days to come.

A Month of Thankfulness

Since November 1st, I have been participating in a month of thankfulness challenge I saw somewhere. I posted this on my moms group discussion board, but I love it so much, I want to carry it over to here.

Every day, I want to post something that I am thankful for. So often, we look at the bad, the negative, and dwell only on that. If, though, we took a month, just 30 days, to think of at least one thing we are thankful for every day, maybe we could change some of our own attitude, and maybe even that of someone else. Why not try to make the world a happier place for one.

So, here are my postings so far, with one more to come each day.

November 1st - I am truly thankful for all of the beautiful laughter I got to share in with my girls at bedtime tonight.

November 2nd - Today, I am very thankful for my mom, who answers the phone cheerfully and lovingly no matter how many times I call in a day.

November 3rd - Today I am thankful for the beautiful weather that allows me to wear a t-shirt instead of a snow suit.

November 4th - Today I am thankful for the relationship my little sister and I have. I love her to death, and I am so thankful that we have finally grown into, and grown up enough to have the beautiful relationship that we have now.

November 5th - Today, I am thankful for really good instant coffee. Just makes my life and attitude a little bit better some mornings. = )

November 6th - Today I am thankful for technology and all it allows us to do, like me help my sister (who lives in Atlanta) find her way when she is out and about and lost. If it weren't for cell phone, my internet connection and google maps, I swear we would have lost her long, long ago.

And finally, today. November 7th - Today, I am thankful for public library systems. That may sound crazy, but reading is a huge part of my life. It is all of my down time right now, and I know that I, like many, certainly couldn't afford to buy everything I read. My girls both love to read, too. We go to the library no less than once a week and always leave with a massive bag of books. So, I am thankful that my girls and I can go get books, participate in reading programs, story times, and enrich our lives, whenever we want. It is a fabulous thing to be able to do all for free, and sometimes, you just don't realize how great it is.

What are you thankful for?

I'm Third Fiddle

My mom is in visiting. I love her. I really do. I am ever thankful that she is here, helping out, and doing what she can to make my life easier. Mainly, she is taking care of the girls, which is honestly all that I want or need. She pretty much takes over with the girls the moment she gets in. In fact, I kind of get pushed out the door.

Once my mom, or Mim Mim as she is known around here, gets in, the Big One instantly asks me when I am leaving so that Mim can baby sit. They don't even play like they need me or miss me.

The Big One wants only my mom to take her to school, which actually meant that I had to load everyone up, drop them both at the designated area, circle around while mom walks her into the school and to class, and finally come back for mom. As long as she feels like Mim is taking her, that is ok, though.

Mim takes them to the park with out me. She stops the ice cream truck, something I never do, to make sure they get a treat.

In fact, though she is my mom, I can tell you that she really doesn't even come to see me. No. I am welcome to go where ever I like, when ever I like, and she will be here with the kids. That is the way she likes it. We spend some time together, but it isn't a lot. I don't really mind playing third fiddle anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I appreciate her help so much, that I am willing to give up first and second chairs, and skooch on over to the third, as a trade off for a little peace and quiet. Really, I am just so thankful that they both love my mom, and value her. I am also thankful that they get the benefit of all of her wisdom and experience. I hope that she imparts a little of herself into both of them each and every time she is with them. If that means I take the backseat, so be it. It is more roomy back there anyway.

My Mother...

In one of my thousand calls with my mom this week, I got what had to be the best news that I have heard in sometime. It ranks right up there with hearing that your daughters are fine after they are born.

My mom is no longer fighting cancer. She is done. She has been dealing with cancer for over 6 years now, between finding out she had it, the surgery, the chemo, radiation, and even the pill form of chemo. She finally finished her last pill, and was given the all clear.

I can not tell you how happy that makes me. I can not express to you how my heart feels when I think about my mom, no longer needing those medications, and actually being healthy. I realize, though it saddens me, that she will never be the same as she was before that disease afflicted her body, but she is better and hopefully, now that those drugs are going to begin to leave her system, she will continue to get stronger.

As mother's day is fast approaching, I am even more pensive about how much she means to my life.

She is not just my mom, she is my friend. She is the person who taught me to be me. She is the one from whom I draw my creative and cooking inspirations. More importantly, she is my daily inspiration. The older I get, the more I want to be like her. I want to have her knack for witty comebacks. I want to have the patience and wisdom that she has, to know when not to use those comebacks.
No matter my age, I think I will always aspire to be someone that she will be proud of. I want to be a good mother, like her, and be a strong woman, like her.

She really is my rock, if ever anyone was such a thing.

I will never forget the day that she told me she had breast cancer. It was both a beautiful and painful day. She found out in January of that year that she had cancer. I was pregnant with our first child at the time. We don't have the best history when it comes to pregnancies. She decided that she didn't want to risk the stress of telling me. So, she told no one. Not one person knew that she had cancer. My dad finally guessed, but she had no intention of telling him until it was time, either. She put off her treatment, and waited. I never knew. My husband was deployed, and we had planned on my mom being in the birthing room with me. She made plans to come down and stay with me for a month before the baby came. She came down, but still I didn't know. My husband came home early and was able to be there for our daughter's birth. Mom wasn't in the room, as we had to go into an OR, but she was there, waiting. She was in the postpartum room when I got there, waiting. She had gotten to see her grandchild.

It was there, in that postpartum room that I found out. She told me that she had cancer, and had kept it s secret for me. She had to tell me right away, because she had to head home immediately to have surgery, and begin her treatment for the disease. She had waited for me, and suffered for me. Her sister, my aunt, who was with her, didn't even know. She bore that burden alone for months, in order to protect me, and my unborn child. I can not imagine what it took to do that alone, but I love her all the more for it.

As I said, she is my rock, and I can not imagine my life without her. I think that if I stopped calling my mom, the phone company would call to check on my line of their own accord. It is that serious.

So, this post is for the most fabulous, intelligent, and inspiring woman that has ever graced this earth, at least my portion of it, my mother. Thank you for being you, and being my mom. I love you, mom, forever and always.

The Hardest Line

Sometimes, life is a very difficult balancing act.

You have to find a way to balance the needs of those around you, your needs, your family's needs, and so on, to make things work for your life like they need to and should.

As a young person, it is easy to allow your life to be totally out of balance. You don't care what happens, you just do what you do to have fun, and be young.

As you get older, and hopefully more mature, though, keeping things in balance becomes so important. You find you really can't quite function with out it.

Keeping that balance, making your life what you want it to be, sometimes requires very difficult decisions.

Tonight, I made a very difficult decision. I had to say no to a friend whom I love dearly. As a friend, she wears the title of best for a reason. However, as much as I love her, and I do, I can not in good conscious say yes to something she ask. It isn't a little thing, and I don't say no lightly. In fact, no is a very painful word for me right now. However, I have to look at all the things in my life, and see where my decision falls. I took some time, a lot of time, and looked at how this decision would throw things out of balance for me. If I said yes, it would affect my family in a negative way, and frankly, I can't afford to do that anymore. Saying yes, even though I desperately want to, would cause more harm for us, than it would good for her. The teeter totter would be sitting with her in the air, in the good seat, and my family stuck on the ground, legs all bunched up around them, just waiting to get up, at least to the middle ground again.

I also have to keep a very precise mental balance. My life is full of so much stress right now, that I border on being off balance at any moment. In fact, the stress of just her question alone has tipped the scale in a way that I can not allow to continue. Some of the things that cause my stress I can not change, no matter how I want to. They are the facts of how we live our lives, and so I must deal with them. I have to take a very careful look at all the things that are weighing on me, and decide what I am able to cut. This is the one thing I can cut. While tonight, I am deeply saddened, and have shed many tears over my decision, I know that in the long run, it was the only thing I could do, to even attempt to regain my mental balance.

I did make an attempt before saying no. I tried to find a way to make it work, but both people on the teeter toter have to work together, and be willing to sit in the mid position, for it to be able to stay like that. She wants to be up in the air right now, and maybe she has earned her turn to be there. I just can't keep my family down, in order to keep her up.

If I were younger, I would have said yes, without thinking. I would have moved mountains to say yes. Come hell or high water, I would have been there. I can't do that anymore, though.

I have to make the hard, grown up decision. I have to look at my girls, and know that I am doing the right things for them. The right thing for all of us, even if it isn't the easy thing.

So, I say no. With a heavy, sick heart, and very sincerely hope that she enjoys her time sitting high as much as she possibly can. I hope she loves every minute of it, and when she is ready to come down again, I hope she can find her own balance.

I Love My Husband

I may not say it enough to other people, or sometimes even to him, but make no mistake, I love my husband, and appreciate what a wonderful man he is. I am lucky to have such a caring and committed partner in my life.

I can't tell you the number of times he has come to my rescue, and been willing to go way beyond any call of duty to help me out.

Today, he volunteered to drive for my daughter's Girl Scout Troop. I was short driver's for tomorrow's trip. I got really stressed out today trying to beg and plead with parents to take their own kids on a field trip. We won't get into how sad it is that I can't get any parents to participate, but let me say that it absolutely upsets me. So, my husband stepped up and said that if it would make things better for me, he would drive our other car, and take a load of girls by himself. I can't imagine how horrifying the thought of driving a group of young girls by himself would be to a man like my husband, but he would do it for me if I needed him.

I tell you he is incredible. In so many ways. I won't go into it all tonight, but rest assured, I appreciate him.

I was able to finagle a way to get him out of driving girls. I still need him to help out, but this time he only has to go pickup the goods that we sold as a fundraiser and hold onto them until we get back from our other field trip. All the same, we wouldn't be able to get it all done tomorrow if it weren't for my hero.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I love you, always.

First Look

My husband just saw my blog for the first time.

His only comment was "Well, the title fits."

Love you too, hon.