The Most Conflicted Loss

Today, my older sister passed away.

I'm not sure what to do with everything I feel.  So, I thought I would give it to you, the universe, etc, and hopefully let it go.

My older sister is really my older half-sister.  Sometimes that half matters, and sometimes it doesn't.

For us, that half meant she wasn't raised with us, and was raised by a mother who chose to lie about our father.  Her mother told her that our father was an alcoholic, and that was why she divorced him.  She said that he used to beat them.  She said they were poor, while we were raised with everything, because he didn't want to take care of her.

All of it was lies.  The truth is that they were divorced because she chose to cheat on him, and he caught her.  So, he filed for divorce.  The truth is that my dad was is a pretty rough guy, but he never was an alcoholic.  He didn't get drunk like that.  I'm not going to lie and say he was perfect, far from it, but I can tell you that what she said was far from the truth.  We weren't rich, either.  Her mom was just money hungry.  We grew up with very little by the time my dad paid child support for her, and took care of the three of us,and our mom.  We wore hand me downs.  My mom can make a meal out of nothing.  Seriously.  The woman has an unbelievable talent for being cheap.  Most of all, my Dad did want to take care of her.  he gave my sister the choice of living with us, but she wanted to stay with her mom.
That choice was poison.
She was raised to see bad things.  So, she saw them.  She let that affect her relationships with all of us for the rest of her life.  She was always distant.

In college, I tried.  I went to school close to the salon she owned.  It was very, very highly thought of.  All the drag queens in the area went to her to help them get started.  She was someone in that town.  I would go to her shop, where she also lived in the top floors of her building, after my classes, and i would spend time with her.  I wanted that big sister relationship that we never had.

It didn't work though.  Time goes on.
Eventually, I washed my hands of it.
I quit when she would tell me that she wanted to see my child, and then didn't show.  That was it.  You could break my heart, but you can't break hers.
She saw Middie only once, when she was very small, at my brother's wedding.
She never met The Littlest One.
Ever.
We have lived in state for two years, and I haven't seen her since we came back.
These are the choices we make in life.
I realize that she was raised negatively, but eventually, we all become adults and have to make our own choices.
I chose to quit beating myself up over it.  I chose to finally move on.
Then, she died.
All those friends that she used to have, the ones she chose over us, weren't around.
In fact, no one was there.  My parents were on their way.  Her mom and other half sister, with whom she did have a relationship, weren't in the room.
She quit.
She had been battling problems for a while.
I think her demons were just stronger than her this time.  Sometimes, that is how it is.  Sometimes the demons are stronger than us and they win.

I had been checking in nearly constantly to see how she was doing, and then the phone rang.  My mom said she was gone.  Done.  Over.
I was really angry when mom called.
I am angry with my sister for giving up on us.  I'm hurt that she threw us away.  I'm livid with her mom for poisoning her for all those years, and robbing me of the big sister relationship I never got to have.
It hurts.  I'm sad.  I'm sad for my kids who will never know her laugh, or big blonde hair.  They won't get to have their hair done by her for their weddings.
I'm mourning.  In all honesty, though, its the relationship that was never there that I mourn the most.  I'm really heart broken over the fact that it will never be.
I'm sure I will go to her memorial service, because I want to be there with my dad.  I want to give him a kiss on the cheek, and tell him that I know the truth about who he is, and even though he isn't perfect, I would never throw him away.

So, I lost a sister today, and its complicated.  Please, don't offer to send something, or do something.  Please, don't try to pressure me to be more upset for you than I feel like I need to be in the moment, because I'm really not sure how to feel.  A simple,"That sucks" will be fine.  I'll appreciate it.  It does suck.
Also, I'm probably calling into work Friday (for my volunteer jobs).  So, if you could just excuse that with out any ado, that would be awesome.  I'll let you know if I need anything else.

I'm leaving you with a picture that I do love, from when I was little.  My sister and I, back when I used to think she was the coolest thing ever, and looked forward to every single time she came over like it was my birthday, even if she did accidentally pop my shoulders out of socket once.  Something I can now do all the time thanks to her.  This picture brings up the good memories, and this is what I'm choosing to keep.

You will be missed.

If You Have to Hide To Be Hatefull, Don't

I was saddened to learn today about the passing of Cassandra Lynn Hensley.  You might have seen it on TMZ, or somewhere else on the web.  She was a Playboy Playmate, a beautiful girl, and also an acquaintance.
We actually had a mutual very good friend, and it was through this friend that I met Cassandra.  All three of our families made a very memorable trip to Disneyland once.  Yeah.  I went to Disney with a Playmate.  Not, I'm sure, the first think most people think of.
That is reality, though.  She wasn't all done up in her makeup and such.  She was there with her daughter and we were celebrating a birthday.  Again, reality.  People who are in the public eye are still real people, with families, husband, children, etc.
Cassandra wasn't perfect, but back to the whole reality thing, no one is.
So, when I began to see articles about her online, I was shocked at the horrible things people were saying.  I do mean horrible.
This was a tragedy.  Regardless of how it happened, it was still a tragedy.
When Cory Monteith died, people wept.  They celebrated his life on television multiple times.
However, when a beautiful young woman died in a seemingly similar manor, the claws came out.
The anonymity the internet provides let people rip her to shreds, just because.  Probably because they are jealous of her beauty.  Probably because they made a lot of assumptions.  Probably most of all, though, because they feel the need to dig at other people to make themselves feel better inside.

These people didn't know Cassandra.  Admittedly, I didn't know her well, either, but to think of being so disrespectful to anyone who died like that just blew me away.

Those of you that wrote the nasty comments, so vile and full of vitriol, should look deep down inside yourself.  When you do, I hope those comments make you feel as ugly as you looked online.  You are shameful trolls.
The first one of you who is perfect, who hasn't ever made a mistake can be the first one to condemn her now.  Go ahead.  By all means.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I don't see any rocks flying.

Cassandra was a daughter, a wife, and a mother.  Many people loved her dearly, and those people are hurting.  I mourn for her loved ones.  I am saddened by the tragedy.  I pray that none of you find yourself in a bad situation, and pass.  Should you, I also pray that no one is so disrespectful to you in death that it would hurt your family as they try to move on.

Cassandra was a beautiful girl, inside and out.  I hope she has peace now, and I hope somehow her family and loved ones can find peace as well.

The Death Talk

Recently, we have had to have "The Death Talk" with The Big Girls twice.
The first time, it was in regards to a person, my aunt.  She didn't actually die, but she will, and probably soon.  I don't say that flippantly.  I love her, dearly.  She is a little kooky and crazy, but its all good, and she is probably the person in my extended family that I have spent the most time without, except for possibly one cousin to whom I am pretty close.  I've grown up around her, since she and my mom have worked together for my mom's business since I was very little.  I have traveled with her.  When I think of the beach, I instantly think of her.  I really do love her, and she is dying.  Slowly.  She has two artificial valves in her heart, and has since she was 17.  Her heart is totally failing now.  There isn't much anyone can do.  I knew she was getting worse, then, a couple of weeks ago, my Mom called to tell me that she may not make it through the next day.  They were at a very serious point where a procedure could be done to give her time, but it may also cost her life.  My Sister and I decided to go up immediately, but before I could leave, I had to tell The Girls why I was going. The Big One also loves this aunt.  She really does.  She looks forward to seeing her every time we go home.  The craziest thing of all is that this aunt taught The Big One how to whistle, and they are the only two people I have ever met that sound exactly like a bird when they whistle, and can only whistle like that.  Its makes for painful car trips, at times, but it is one of those endearing things in life that you both love and hate.  So, I had to sit her down and tell her that it was very likely this wonderful woman may not be with us any more, and prepare them for what seemed like the inevitable.  We were very lucky, though.  The Drs told us she would never go home, but they were wrong.  We got a little more time with her.  It won't be forever, but we will be thankful for what we get.
Talking to the girls was a difficult moment.
It was preparation, for what may be, and what will be.  It was preparation for today.
On the way back from a long work filled week with my family, My Husband called with bad news.  One of our guinea pigs, Pinky, died suddenly.  We have no idea why.  She seemed fine when he checked on them last night before he left for work  When he went in to check on them this after noon, she was dead.  The other one was trying to nudge her with her nose.  He didn't know what to do.  We talked as discreetly as we could with me in the car.  He took her out of the cage, and placed her in a shoe box until we could talk to The Girls and go from there.
For some reason, from the moment we got home, all The Big One wanted to do was play with Pinky.  Perhaps it was because The Girls were able to play with sugar gliders during the show, and it made them miss their pets, but rarely is she so intent on playing with them the moment she walks in the door.  We put her off.  A lot.  We had things to do.  We had a truck to unload.  At one point, she looked at My Husband and ask why he twitched every time she said Pinky.  Finally, we couldn't put off the inevitable.  We had to tell them.  IT was terrible.  The Big One broke down instantly, the moment she realized what we were trying to tell them.  We couldn't even finish before she was a bawling heap on My Husband's lap.  The Middle One was sad, but slower to process.  It will take her a while.  She will pop up and say something profoundly sad, then go back to being quiet.  It is her process.
We ask The Girls if they wanted us to take care of Pinky.  The Big One wanted to be a part of the burial.  The Middle One did not, which is totally fine. The Big One ask for flowers to put on her grave, and tomorrow, I will get all the things we need, and we will bury our little pet, their first pet.
This is a hard lesson.  We talked at length about pets and death at dinner.  Pinky was young and died suddenly.  We just don't know why.  That can happen again if we get another pet, and they need to know that.  They need to understand that no life is permanent.  We will always remember and love Pinky, though. They know that.  They will be sad for a while, and that is ok. They will cry more.  We all will some.  That's ok, too.
Some lessons are hard and I hate to see my children learn them.  I wish I could protect them from this, but that just isn't reality.  Death is just a part of life, no matter how much we wish it wasn't.  Though I sincerely hope that we can put off learning more from this lesson for as long as possible.

Justice for Children

Like every other basically good person in this nation who has seen or heard anything about the Casey Anthony trial, I am deeply disturbed that she got off on the murder charges.  I can't say that I think being found not guilty on the murder charges was the wrong verdict as far as the jury goes.  I believe the jurors when they say there wasn't enough evidence, and that isn't their fault.  I do think they could have found her guilty on child neglect for not even reporting her child missing for 30 days, but at least they found her guilty of something considering how little there really was to go on.  The fact that the jury acted properly, though, doesn't in any way negate the fact that I feel Caylee was robbed of justice.


Justice means many things, but one of the definitions is the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness.  Equitableness.  There should be equality in the outcome of this case.  Caylee lost her life, and somehow, Casey should be forced to do the same for it to be equitable, be that the death penalty or life in prison.  That would be justice.  
People are truly outraged that a mother would do this to her own child and get away with it.  So, I have to wonder, will someone, somewhere, try to bring justice for Caylee?  


I was just watching the news, and one of the many people outside the courtroom, holding signs and showing their anger at the verdicts, said that any one of the people there that day would be glad to kill Casey.  I'm sure he meant it.  I'm sure there are a lot of people right now that should the position open up, would gladly volunteer to be the one throwing the switch if Caylee had gotten the death penalty.  In fact, I would say that when it comes down to anyone convicted of murdering a child, there would be no shortage of people who would gladly volunteer to fulfill the duties of an executioner on a murder's judgement day.  


Crimes against children are the worst.  They can't fight for themselves.  We are supposed to protect and nurture our children.  We are supposed to love and care for them.  When life gets hard, or we realize that parenting isn't what we thought it would be, murder or in any way harming the child is not an option.  There are other options.  


A mother I know is going through a lot right now because her husband couldn't take their babies constant screaming and while she was at work open day, he shook the baby.  That is not an option.  There are other ways.  
You put the child down.  You walk away.  You call someone, anyone.  No matter what it is, you find another way.  No child deserves to be harmed.  No child deserves to have their life taken away because you, the parent or caregiver, couldn't handle it.  I can guarantee you that in Caylee's case someone would have taken that baby and loved her, even if her mother didn't.  Instead, a life full of potential was taken.  That should never happen.  


I hope there is justice somehow, someway, not just for this child, but for every child out there who deserves it.  

MY Sweet Sensitive Child

This Big One is very much a sensitive child.  She takes everything to heart.  Right now, that is working against her.
She is having a difficult time dealing with the death of her friend's mother.  At her age, having a friend's mother die is a total shock.  That stuff is supposed to happen when your friend is 50, not 7, but here it is.

All day today, she needed me.  This child doesn't need me unless the milk jug is too full and she knows she will spill it.  Today, though, I was needed constantly.  It took forever to do math homework.  Again, this child does not need me.  She is well, and I mean well, above average when it comes to math.  Today, though, I had to show her how to do each problem again and again.  At one point, I finally had to go do laundry and get out of eyesight or else she would have really wanted me to sit and explain each little problem to her repeatedly, and that doesn't help her learn. She needed to sit by me, on me, on the couch tonight. She had to be in the kitchen with me no matter what I was doing.  I had to turn the water on for her bath, because I get it right.  I needed to wrap her towel around her after bath.  I needed to put her to bed, and stay in bed with her, which I did, until she fell asleep.  All day today, she needed me.

She is scared.   She needs to know that I am there.  I have opened the door many times to talk about what happened, but she doesnt' want to, not yet.

We did manage to talk about her friend.  I explained that even The Big One doesn't want to talk about the death and how she feels, she needs to let her friend talk to her.  She doesn't have to respond verbally, or discuss it, but just be a friend and listen.  I explained to her that it might make her friend feel better to get to talk about her mom to someone who will listen, and The Big One can do that.

Bless her little heart, when I told her how it makes you feel better to talk to about someone that you lost she said that it was like when I talk about Princess, my old family dog who died long before The Big One was born.  She had tears in her eyes when she told me that she loved Princess too because of all of the stories my Mom and I tell her.  It was so sweet.  She is just that kind of child.  She feels everything, for everyone.  While that can be a wonderful attribute, it can also make like a little harder sometimes, like right now.

It was a difficult day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better, and each day we can gain back a little of her independence.  I will dote on her a little extra each day, and make sure she knows I love her, and am here for her.  I will always be here for her, as long as I am here.  I love The Girls more than anything in this world, and if it means turning on their bath water when they are 17, and they just need me, so be it.  That's what moms do when you hurt.  We kiss it and make it better.  The Big One got lots and lots of kisses today, and has lots more coming in the days to come.

Not Such A Wonderful Life

Life really isn't like the movies.  In the movies, you may not like your life, and you get to wish you weren't there.  After you see how much worse off the world is without you, you have some sort of redemption, and get to go back to your life, happier than ever.  Real life doesn't work like that.  Once you are gone, the people around you get to see how much worse off the world is, but you don't, and we can't get you back.

Each year that The Big One has been in school, an adult in the school has died.
The first year, it was a lovely womyn that worked with all the kids.  She worked in the lunch area, and volunteered her time with the kids, too.
Last year, it was their coach/P.E. Teacher.
This year, it was a teacher, who also happened to be the mom to one of the girls in The Big One's class.

We were shocked when we went in today and were told that she had died at the end of last week.  It was very sudden.  She passed away in her sleep one night, perhaps of a heart attack.  That's it.  That's all there is.

This woman was not only a teacher and mother, two incredible roles to begin with, but she was a Girl Scout leader, and led other groups at school as well.    She had two daughters at the school.  The older one is in the crossing guard and robotics club, which I believe her mom was faculty advisor for.  She always seemed to be very involved.  She will definitely be missed.  I doubt that we can even count the number of lives she had touched though all of her works.

When you see someone like this pass, you only wish life were like the movies.  I wish we could see how much we should appreciate people before they are really gone, but we don't get a second chance in this reality.
These girls have to go on without their mother.  Life must continue, and no matter how much we want, we can't change what is.

I can say that this is a wake up call.  We can't see what life is like without her, and then bring her back, but we can see maybe a glimpse into what life would be like without us.  Seeing someone in your own peer group die so young, I would guess just under 40, makes you realize that you have to do the best you can while you can.  I could go at any time.  It makes me want to be a healthier, happier person.  I have to realize that just because somethings in life suck, doesn't mean that life sucks, and we should never take anything for granted.  Maybe this is my chance to really see how much life means with me in it, and take steps, like healthy ones, to be sure I stick around for a while.  Maybe this is a change to really appreciate those around us now, and be thankful to and for them while we can.  Perhaps I am just morbidly engrossed because my dad started cancer treatments today, and I am full of extra pregnancy hormones, but I am having one of those moments where you really see how fleeting life is.  

I can't bring anyone back.  I can't change what is.  I can only promise to be the best me that I can be, and appreciate my life, and those in it, while I can.

Losing Someone Close

Today, I found out that we lost a dear family friend. I am devastated. Though I knew she was sick, and very sick at that, I still feel shocked by her passing. It seems like there should have been more time. I had plans. I wanted to make her a card and send it to her. I wanted to send her a little get well gift. None of that will come to fruition, now. Life, or death really, trumped my plans.

Linda was a wonderful woman. I have so many fond memories of her. She is my mother's age, and I grew up with her. More than just my mom's friend, though, she was my friend. I would go places with her. I would hang out with her. She made every formal dress I have ever owned, including my prom dress and even wedding dress. We shopped a lot for that one. We drove an hour and a half to the best fabric store we could get to so that we could find exactly what I wanted. She custom made my Renaissance gown, with a partial pattern because nothing was exactly what I wanted. She hand sewed the pearl beading around the edge of my 10 foot train. She made my sister's dress, too. Then, as if doing that wasn't enough, she even served as my wedding coordinator. I don't know how I would have gotten married had it not been for her. Well, I suppose I would have gotten married in a dress that I didn't love, and a whole lot less organized without her.

I remember thinking she was such a cool mom. Not that my mom isn't cool, but Linda was in many ways a much more liberal parent than my own mother. Sometimes a little more liberal is good.

Yeah. She was great.

I feel so much for her family right now. The kids must be so distraught. I can't imagine. I so wish I could be there to support them in person. I would hold her daughter's hand, and send The Big One off to play with her oldest son. Sometimes, distractions for kids are a great thing. I would hug the middle child, because words just wouldn't do.

To the family: I am so sorry for your loss. I loved your mother dearly, and will miss her terribly. Know that she was and is a greatly loved woman, and there can be no greater legacy than that.

Goodbye, Linda. I wish I had gotten to tell you that myself. Thank you for everything. I mean everything. You meant a lot to my life, and I appreciate your being a part of it. I hope your body is finally healed, and you are in paradise, relaxing now. Rest in peace.

Yet Another Faculty Death

My oldest daughter's school has suffered yet another loss this year. Another faculty member passed away last night. I don't know if she had been sick, or what caused it at this point, but I do know this, that one was sweet woman, and she will be missed.

She was one of the lunch and recess ladies at school, and she was with the kids every single day. She played with them, she laughed with them, and now, they will cry for her. It breaks my heart to think of all those little kids who will miss her, but I suppose that is really a testament to her character.

She leaves behind a husband and son, who will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I expect the children to be upset, and I can only hope that the school handles everything as well this time as they did the last. In fact, this seems to be the only thing that I think they handle really well.

She will certainly be missed. I hope she rests in peace now.

Faculty Death at School

The P.E. teacher at Lilly's school passed away this weekend. He was very young. The whole thing was a little odd. He had been sick for months, in and out of the hospital, but they never found out what was wrong with him.

Most of the school already knew before today, but we hadn't heard, having secluded ourselves this weekend. If I had known, I would have talked to my daughter about it before school.

At school, the principal made no mention of it at the assembly, except for a single thought that was "To heal our spirits today" and then what song they would sing together. Instead, they decided to go room to room through the school and talk to the kids that way. I hope that is better.

I really feel for some of those kids. This school is predominately military. A lot of these kids don't get to see much of their father's to begin with, and having a male father figure that has been a constant in their lives for a few years will be very hard. Not to say that death is easy for any one.

I'm not sure what the school is going to do at this point, but I really hope they handle this well. Their track record on inconsequential stuff isn't great. But I must have hope that they can take care of something like this appropriately at least.

I have to ban myself.

I have to officially ban myself from any political discussions for at least the next 6 days. That number may be extended depending on the results of the election. I just can't take it anymore. Any thing that starts as a discussion, seems to be ending as a "discussion" around me.

I nearly got into it with my daughter's Girl Scout Troupe leader today. That wouldn't be smart. That womyn could whoop my butt in a heart beat.

This election has taken a huge toll on me, and has completely worn the filter that goes from my brain to my mouth out. I called in to order a replacement, but apparently, this has been such a bad election that they are on back order now. I just can't hold back, and I don't want to offend anyone. Well, I do want to offend lots and lots of people. That seems to be the problem.

So, please, I implore you, don't look at me and try to say Obama, McCain, Palin, Biden. Don't even say Ron Paul or rEVOLution. Don't mouth the words. Don't throw some sort of sneaky Obama or McCain gang signs. No Palin ninja arts moves. Nothing. Really.

And if you do make some sort of Obama Hope sign around me, just remember that I warned you, and you deserve what ever you unleash.