Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Most Conflicted Loss

Today, my older sister passed away.

I'm not sure what to do with everything I feel.  So, I thought I would give it to you, the universe, etc, and hopefully let it go.

My older sister is really my older half-sister.  Sometimes that half matters, and sometimes it doesn't.

For us, that half meant she wasn't raised with us, and was raised by a mother who chose to lie about our father.  Her mother told her that our father was an alcoholic, and that was why she divorced him.  She said that he used to beat them.  She said they were poor, while we were raised with everything, because he didn't want to take care of her.

All of it was lies.  The truth is that they were divorced because she chose to cheat on him, and he caught her.  So, he filed for divorce.  The truth is that my dad was is a pretty rough guy, but he never was an alcoholic.  He didn't get drunk like that.  I'm not going to lie and say he was perfect, far from it, but I can tell you that what she said was far from the truth.  We weren't rich, either.  Her mom was just money hungry.  We grew up with very little by the time my dad paid child support for her, and took care of the three of us,and our mom.  We wore hand me downs.  My mom can make a meal out of nothing.  Seriously.  The woman has an unbelievable talent for being cheap.  Most of all, my Dad did want to take care of her.  he gave my sister the choice of living with us, but she wanted to stay with her mom.
That choice was poison.
She was raised to see bad things.  So, she saw them.  She let that affect her relationships with all of us for the rest of her life.  She was always distant.

In college, I tried.  I went to school close to the salon she owned.  It was very, very highly thought of.  All the drag queens in the area went to her to help them get started.  She was someone in that town.  I would go to her shop, where she also lived in the top floors of her building, after my classes, and i would spend time with her.  I wanted that big sister relationship that we never had.

It didn't work though.  Time goes on.
Eventually, I washed my hands of it.
I quit when she would tell me that she wanted to see my child, and then didn't show.  That was it.  You could break my heart, but you can't break hers.
She saw Middie only once, when she was very small, at my brother's wedding.
She never met The Littlest One.
We have lived in state for two years, and I haven't seen her since we came back.
These are the choices we make in life.
I realize that she was raised negatively, but eventually, we all become adults and have to make our own choices.
I chose to quit beating myself up over it.  I chose to finally move on.
Then, she died.
All those friends that she used to have, the ones she chose over us, weren't around.
In fact, no one was there.  My parents were on their way.  Her mom and other half sister, with whom she did have a relationship, weren't in the room.
She quit.
She had been battling problems for a while.
I think her demons were just stronger than her this time.  Sometimes, that is how it is.  Sometimes the demons are stronger than us and they win.

I had been checking in nearly constantly to see how she was doing, and then the phone rang.  My mom said she was gone.  Done.  Over.
I was really angry when mom called.
I am angry with my sister for giving up on us.  I'm hurt that she threw us away.  I'm livid with her mom for poisoning her for all those years, and robbing me of the big sister relationship I never got to have.
It hurts.  I'm sad.  I'm sad for my kids who will never know her laugh, or big blonde hair.  They won't get to have their hair done by her for their weddings.
I'm mourning.  In all honesty, though, its the relationship that was never there that I mourn the most.  I'm really heart broken over the fact that it will never be.
I'm sure I will go to her memorial service, because I want to be there with my dad.  I want to give him a kiss on the cheek, and tell him that I know the truth about who he is, and even though he isn't perfect, I would never throw him away.

So, I lost a sister today, and its complicated.  Please, don't offer to send something, or do something.  Please, don't try to pressure me to be more upset for you than I feel like I need to be in the moment, because I'm really not sure how to feel.  A simple,"That sucks" will be fine.  I'll appreciate it.  It does suck.
Also, I'm probably calling into work Friday (for my volunteer jobs).  So, if you could just excuse that with out any ado, that would be awesome.  I'll let you know if I need anything else.

I'm leaving you with a picture that I do love, from when I was little.  My sister and I, back when I used to think she was the coolest thing ever, and looked forward to every single time she came over like it was my birthday, even if she did accidentally pop my shoulders out of socket once.  Something I can now do all the time thanks to her.  This picture brings up the good memories, and this is what I'm choosing to keep.

You will be missed.