Tuesday, May 31, 2011

We Let It All Fly

I've tried to explain this to people before, but once you become a mom, everything changes.  Your personal habits get put under a microscope, as children watch and retain everything.  You learn very quickly that you model the behaviour you want them to have, because what ever behaviours you have, they will model.  So, when it comes to foul language, you just cut it out, or mostly out if you happen to have some serious road rage.  Regardless, you do your best to only use the kind of language that you would like them to have.  This is why, on any given night, if you were to pop in to a "Moms Night Out" somewhere, you might here the kind of language coming out of the mouths of those mothers that would make a sailor blush.  Well, not really.  As someone married to a sailor, I can say that it wouldn't actually make them blush, but they would be quite proud of you.
The point is that when we get together, sans little ears, we let go just a little.  Sometimes, we let go a lot.  As a mother, you have to repress a lot of urges.  You can't yell "d*mn it" because your child walked in behind you as you were getting their chicken nuggets out of the oven, spooked you so that you jumped, and you burned your hand.  You really can yell "Holy sh*t!" when you find sh*t left all over the bathroom by a toddler who has supposedly learned to wipe themselves when they go number two.  And most importantly, you can not yell "What the f**k?" when you walk into the play room, where your child has been "playing nicely" for the last 30 minutes as you do laundry, only to find massive piles of muddy dirt and sand, carried in one bucket at a time, in the middle of the floor, because Barbie wanted her beach house to really be on the beach.
You can't do any of these, and so many more.
So, when it is our time, we not only get to retell all of these fantastic stories, but you get to tell them in a very colorful, inappropriate language filled way.  In fact, you get to tell a lot of stories about things that you wouldn't normally talk about.  We talk about what our boobs look like, now and before children.  Moms talk about their birth stories, including how their vaginas fared. I mean, really, there is very little that I would say, in the context of being a mother, that is considered off limits.
That means, if you happen to be the college kids in the coffee shop on the same night as the moms meet for a Moms Night Out, you had better hope you brought your head phones for your iPod or laptop, because no matter how many dirty looks you give us, we aren't going to shut up, and no matter how hard you try, you will never get some of those descriptions out of your head.  Give us a break, though, we have had to wait weeks to be able to say all those pent up curse words you hear spewing out, and frankly, if your vagina had gone through what ours may have, you would want to lament about it to someone who can sympathize, too.  After all, miserable vaginas love company.  One of these days, when you are either a mother who needs to get out of the house, or a spouse who needs to get their other half out, you will totally understand, and hope they have a fantastic support group, with home your wife can curse up a storm with, as well.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

It's Hard To Blog Without a Brain

I know I have't been blogging much lately.  I have started a few posts, but I haven't been able to finish them.  My brain isn't functioning at full capacity right now.  I would say we are somewhere around half my normal at this time, and it is all due to sleep deprivation.  I'm not just tired, I'm whooped.  Quite frankly, I think I've lost the ability to be interesting, let alone witty.  I've also lost the ability to hold onto a thought for more than a minute or two at a time.  So, completing an entire blog post, in my normal long fashion, is a challenge that I just can't muster too right now.
The lack of sleep isn't just keeping my from blogging.  It is starting to affect my ability to actually function in my day to day routines.  As a prime example, yesterday, I had to pick The Big One up from school twice.  We were getting ready to go, and I was running late.  I was trying to top off The Littlest Ones tank with milk so that she wouldn't go nuts while we were waiting to pick up, and The Big Little One wouldn't cooperate.  It just wasn't working.  WE were leaving the house about 15 minutes later than normal, and I knew that meant I would mean I would have to park like a block away and walk.  I was frustrated and rushing.  I didn't even pee, choosing instead to hold it for the next 25 minutes until I got back home, in order to save time.  As I get to the school, and start looking for a parking place, I realize there are few cars there.  Then I realize that there are practically no cars there. I panicked.  I thought I was very, very late.  I looked at my clock again, and it took about 30 seconds for me to realize that I was an hour early, not late at all.
So, we turned around, and headed back to the house.  That would give me time to do a popper feeding, at least.
As I am driving home, and thinking about what a moron I am, I suddenly look up to realize that I have no idea where I am going and that I have turned on the wrong street.  I was really only off by once street, but still, I was going to my house, making a drive that I should be able to do on nearly automatic pilot, and I messed even that up.
Yes.  Tired.  Very, very tired.
I know that The Littlest One will grow quickly, and hopefully I will be getting at least 3 hours of sleep at a time in the next few weeks.  That would be great.  By the time we get to 4 full hours at a time, I will think that I am in heaven.  Until then, I just have to hope that if I really screw up another pickup or drop off, it will hopefully be on the early side again, and not the late side.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Double Marked Day

Today is a day that can be marked twice on the calendar for us.  First, The Littlest One is three weeks old today.  Not quite a month old, and still veyr tiny, we have made it past the initial checkups point where they make you go back to the Dr a lot, to be sure you aren't screwing up too badly, and are on our own until 2 months.  She is growing quickly, and pretty soon, she won't be tiny any more.

Today also marks the first time she has a ever had to lose her dad to a deployment.  It may be a small one right now, but it is still something.  He is gone.  She may be tiny, but how big does she need to be to realize that he isn't there anymore.  She doesn't sleep well, and spends half the night curled up with her dad.
I'm not sure how well this is going to go now, at all.
I have to tell you, days like this I really hate being a military family.  This is the kind of thing that pisses me off and makes me ready for retirement.  Three weeks old, I'm not even allowed to lift her yet, and my husband is gone.  Thanks, military powers that be, for taking him now.  I hate that he has to miss this.  I hate that he has to be gone now.  I wish that I could have made him stay, bit since my medical need for him here, what with not being allowed to lift her and all, wasn't good enough, my other option for shooting him in the foot wouldn't have turned out well for me, either.  So, he is gone.
We will get through this one, though, just like we do the others.  My prayer is that I don't have to write a similar post on her first birthday, about missing it as well.  Everyone hope with me, please.  I'd much rather write about how cute it was, and how wonderful it was to have her dad there, playing with her on that special day.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The New Normal

When you have a baby, life turns upside down.  Everything you knew, your routines, your favorite TV shows, even your personal grooming habits get left behind.  You have to learn an entirely new way to live, and it takes time to find your way again.
I think that we are slowly adjusting, and starting to find our own new groove.  It has already started to feel like a routine, and not a brand new challenge, to get up, get ready, and get The Girls all out the door in the morning for school drop off.  I'm thankful for that routine feel.  It means we are gelling into life as a family of 5 pretty well.  That doesn't mean there aren't challenges some days.  There definitely are challenges and not all of them stem from The Littlest One.  The Big One still takes time, and I have to make sure she follows our schedule, and isn't lost in her own world or the new baby each morning.  I think I must say "focus on you" more often than anything else to her.  That is actually kind of normal for us, though.  She has always been easily distracted, we just have another distraction to add to the lot for her now, albeit a much more enticing attraction.  The same goes for The Big Little One.  She has always been a dawdler, and that hasn't changed.  Of course, The Littlest One does throw a monkey wrench in, when she decides she needs to eat right around time for us to go, but we are working on that, and trying our best to time feedings just right.
Honestly, it seems like this is the way our life has been for years, though, instead of just a few weeks.  It seems very normal.  IT seems right.
No matter what other people have told me about adding a third, I think we are adapting pretty well.  Being a mother of three seems to be pretty great to me so far.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Two Weeks Out

Today was my two week post op appointment with my surgeon.  So far, so good.  Things are healing pretty well.
Thus far, I have to say that this experience has been pretty much the antithesis of my last birth experience.  I had real professionals, not just people who were forced into the Corpsman program because they failed out of their first choice, taking care of me from start to finish.
The staff at Mary Birch did a fabulous job.  My Drs, all of them in the OR, did an amazing job, and everything went just right.
My scar looks nice.  It isn't infected like last time, or all nasty and puckery.  It does curve around my belly button now, giving me the look of an upside down question mark, but I guess they wanted to spare my belly button.  After all, I would never be able to re-pierce it if they had gone through it.  So even that funny shape is ok with me.
I feel so much better now than I did even after the last repair of the hernia.  I think things are beginning to feel normal inside, or at least as normal as I ever will be.

We still have a ways to go with the healing.  I am still very swollen.  It will be a few more weeks before that is all gone, and the fluid is all absorbed again, but I can live with it all until then.

The Littlest One is doing very well as well.  She is growing quickly.  Her little cheeks are getting chubby already, and I love it.
Yeah, so far, things are pretty good.
Now, I'm off to knock on as much wood as I can find in order to keep from having just jinxed myself.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Labor of Love

Babies in general are a labor of love. Being pregnant isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. For some people us, like myself, it down right sucks. This pregnancy was so hard.  I wasn't sure I was even going to survive the physical pain at moments, but when I look in to The Littlest One's face, I can barely remember any of it already.
Several times, she and I have been lying together in the quiet of the night, and I felt like there should be choir singers in long church robes, singing soul full hymns of praise while a soft white light encases her because to me, she is such a miracle and every moment with her is amazing.  It feels surreal sometimes, to have a tiny baby again.  I see such beauty in all of her potential.  I love every face, every stretch, and every little noise she makes.  Little babies are bliss and happiness, in tiny little packages.
I realize that life wont always be like this. I know she will be older and sassier, much like her big sisters, but I'm really enjoying these times.  I see the joy that makes everything worth it. She is beautiful.  She is wonderful.  She is what life is all about; love.
I love all of my girls.  I love them dearly.  No matter how much they put us through, physical, mental, or emotional, I know that they are worth the pain they bring, as the joy and love that accompanies them far outweighs it.
Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there who have endured and continue to endure their own labors of love each and every day.

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Funny Little Note, She Called It

Yesterday, I had a one week appointment at my OB's office to have the staples removed.  That isn't really fun, and they put a ton in there, more than 20, but in all honesty, when you been through all I have been through, its kind of a cake walk.
So, My Husband, The Littlest One, and I all loaded up for my appointment, as I am still being chauffeured, and she needs to be close to the milk source at all times.
The appointment started out pretty normally, but it quickly took a turn for the bizarre.  As my Nurse Practitiorer took out her folder with all my notes, she said she had "a funny side note" for us.  I would venture that it is probably just me, and my medical luck, that has things like this said to them, because "funny side notes" about your medical history probably really aren't funny.
She said that when the Drs, either the surgeon or my OB, who were working together, opened me up, one of them noticed a piece of foreign tissue.

I'll stop there and let you process that for a moment.

Not knowing what it was, and only that it didn't belong, they sent it off to pathology to be processed.
That didn't sound good and made me a little anxious.  I was ready to get to the funny.
Then, when she told me what it was, I wasn't ready for funny after all.
When the results came back, they found normal tissue, and in that was either mesh or gauze.
No.  Seriously.
Somebody left something in me.
Now, if you have ever heard my entire birth story from The Big Little One (aka The Middle One), you know I had one of the worst birth experience ever.  It was horrible.  Had I been at a civilian hospital, my actions afterward would have likely involved consulting an attorney.
As a direct result of decisions made there, I have had to have all of these extra surgeries, and will always have something extra in me keeping my body together.
Now, somewhere, someone left something in me.  My last surgery to attempt a repair was about 3 years ago.  That means that piece of what ever it was had been floating around for that long.
Awesome.  Just awesome.
Not so sure if that falls in to the "Funny Side Note" category to me or not, but it definitely is great fit into my already screwed up birth story.  I guess I should just be thankful for the permanent ounce of weight loss the Dr's gave me, and move on knowing there will be one less lump hanging around on my belly.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Today Is Not The Day

I'm doing exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do by blogging this.  I told myself I would let it go, but of course, that isn't my strong suit.
Today, my newest love, The Littlest One, is one week old.  We have her first post hospital check up, and one for me too.  We get to see her be weighed, and checked out, and I love the reassurance that comes with it.  I want to enjoy every moment of her, as she is our last for sure, something I am quite at peace with and even happy about now.  I want this to be our time, our bonding time as a family.  I want nothing but happy and love right now.
So, why someone would take it upon themselves to try to interject negative, non involved drama into my life right now, I don't know.  I am going to ignore it for now.  Other than this blog, my plan is to let it roll for a few days.  The Littlest One is giving us plenty of poop of her own, and I really don't need any from anyone else.
So, please, if you have a beef with me, if you seem to think this is the time to bear your soul to me about some way you feel, don't.  While I want to be open and have people be able to come to me, please, take a moment to consider that exactly one week ago, I had two major surgeries, one of which was incredibly more traumatic to my body and that I am healing from that, and more importantly, that I am a new mom all over again.  Give me a moment.  I'll let you know when I am ready to deal with the poop that comes from outside my home again, and then I will do so gladly.

Until then, peace and love for all, especially my very new, adjusting family.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Our Big Littlest News

It has been a while since I have been on here, for good reason.  Just about a week ago, I went into the hospital, and we had a beautiful baby girl.  The Littlest One arrived.  I am still healing.  The process will take a while.  There was a big surgery.  It is a lot to tell about, and in time, I'm sure I will blog about all of it, but for now, I just wanted to share with you all the arrival of our very wonderful, healthy, beautiful baby girl.