Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Snow Clue

I haven't lived in a cold winter area for nearly a decade. So, being back in an area where it is too cold to put your car tag renewal decal on the car, because cold temps cause them to break, is quite a change for us.

The Big One was born in south Texas, where the summers stay over 100 degrees. The Little One was born in beautiful, sunny San Diego. They don't know cold weather. We usually get about a week of cool to cold temps when we come back to Tennessee for a visit each year. They don't usually get the full effect of winter, though. That is starting to change, and change rapidly.

It snowed today. Real snow. As in big white fluffy stuff falling from a very cold sky. The flakes were huge, beautiful, fluffy things. It wasn't quite sticking, but it was really coming down.

In all that big white fluff, I had to go get The Big One from School.

I wasn't thrilled about this. Me no likey the snow. Her teacher is usually one of the last to dismiss, and I decided that I was going to sit in the car, until the classroom door actually opened this time. I wasn't going to stand there and freeze while she waited for all 20 or so 6 year olds to get it together. No, I could pass that time in the warmth and shelter of my car, then book it across the street when absolutely necessary. So, I did. As the door opened, I got out, locked my car, then actually ran across the street and up the school yard. I don't run much as a general rule, but I find myself doing it more and more in short burst of late. The cold seems to be quickening the occurrence as well. I sprinted up to the door just as The Big One came out.

"Why are running, Mom?" As I've said, not something I do.

"Because it is cold, and it is snowing." Both sounded like very logical reasons to be running to me. Of course, often times when in a conversation with my gorgeous blond daughter, logic is not exactly the driving force of the conversation.

"Is it really snowing?"

Now, the flakes that came down at that point, and the rest of the day were incredible. They were really huge. They were big enough to see each point on the flake, and were probably the most beautiful ones I can remember seeing in person. However, the temperature was not cold enough for the snow to lay on the ground and create any accumulation. So, you had big fluffy white stuff swirling around, that disappeared when it hit he ground.

"Of course it is. Do you see all the fluffy white stuff?"

"What white stuff?"
I admit it. Snowflakes are generally small, but these things were massive for flakes. In addition, it was really coming down.

I held out my hand and waited until a massive flake passed across it.
"Did you see that white thing?"


"That is snow."

"That's what snow is? Really? Wow!"

I had to confirm for her several times that all that stuff really was snow.

I'm quite sure all the other parents around us must thing we are crazy. From their perspective, it would be unreasonable for a child of her age to not understand the concept of snow. However, even though she is quite blond and that often is the reason for our odd conversations, I get it. When you see pictures of snow, you see accumulation on the ground. You don't see just fluffy white stuff floating around the sky. In fact, having lived the last 4 plus years of her life in Southern California, it could have well been ash floating around from fires during fire season, something the kids of this area may not understand. I get it. In fact, I would dare say there is a lot she has been able to experience by living in a coastal community that many kids here would never believe.

I love that The Big One finally got her snow. I love that she was so excited about it, even if a little naive about how it gets here. While other parents may have laughed at us, and I laughed too honestly, nothing can be cooler than watching your children discover new and different things and loving them, at any age.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sundays Rule

I have a feeling that Sundays are going to come to be really cherished for me.

We have had family Sunday traditions for a while, I've even blogged about them before. Of course, when your life changes, sometimes your traditions change, at least a little, too. Sundays have changed, but for the better in some ways. At least, better for me.
In the past, we have had pancake breakfast, then pizza and game night.

Now, some of that will stay, and some will go. We probably won't have time for a big breakfast anymore. The pancakes will have to move to Saturday mornings, which will be ok. Sundays now, will be church day with MimMim (aka Grandmother or My Mom). The girls get up early, get ready, and I take them all to church in time for Sunday School. So far, they love going to church with mom, and it is good for them. So, that is a definite score. The next win, is that I get the next one to two hours by myself! That is a total win! I can have the house mostly to myself, and just do what I want, like shower in peace. I mean, you can't get much better than that.

Then, for dinner/supper, we will still be doing pizza and game or movie night. That is also one of my favorite family things to do. We make our own pizza and play games. We love playing games as a family, even if The Big One cheats at everything, even Connect 4. So, the games and pizza will go on.

Yes, Sundays will be a good day. Me time in the morning, family time at night. Sounds like a good day for everyone.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Old Days / New Days

Sometimes, when you have heart ache and heart break in spades, it seems like nothing will make you feel better. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope of ever healing.

Then suddenly, you realize one day that you feel better.

Over the last year, I have had more than my share of heart break. I have had more than any one's share of heart break, but so be it. I have been devastated and down lower than low some days. My heart has been splintered into a thousand pieces.
Then, suddenly today, I felt a tiny fissure heal. It was simple. It was fast, and it was wonderful.

The craziest thing is that it wasn't anything big or new that made me feel better. In fact, it was really something old.

On top of everything going on in my life, my car has had issues. I picked it up, only slightly better than when I left it, from the local dealership's service division this afternoon. Since the slightly better was that I now have break lights, it was actually quite thrilling. Anytime I get my car back after having it be in the show for a while, or being forced to drive the other vehicle, or what not, I feel free all over again. Just like when you get your first car and know you can go where ever you want. I felt that emotional high again.

The radio stations in this area lack much to be desired. So, I grabbed my CD case from the trunk, and instantly found the old familiar pink CD of one of my favorite bands.
I popped it in, turned it up, and flew down the road. I was free. I had no children with me. I could sing the inappropriate lyrics as loud as I wanted. Suddenly, I was transported back to my glory days, riding down the road in a fast little black car, with Nirvana blaring, just jamming all alone. It was good. It was familiar. It was comfort and reassurance that I was still me, no matter how broken. And all that, just that, made me feel better. Much better.

I know that I have been beaten down, but I won't be kept down. I will go out and pull myself up by my knee high boot straps again, and I will be better. I will be ok. And along the way to better, I'll pull out any of the CDs by my favorite band, roll the windows down as soon as it is warm enough, and find that comfortable me feeling again.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

When Your Children Hurt

The one thing in life that is always constant is change.
Sometimes that change is good, and sometimes that change is not.
Now, my girls and I are going through what I expect to be the biggest change of their lives and it is not a good change.

The change hurts me. Each day is a struggle, but I will make it. I will put one foot in front of the other and I will keep walking. I will walk until I can run again and I will be ok one day. I know I will be ok, but I also know that my pain is immense right now.

Their pain, though, is in calculable to me. It hurts more because I see them hurting, and I know there is nothing I can do.

I watch The Big One cry and I see the scars forming on her heart, and as her mother, my heart breaks even more than it already is. I wish I could grab her, and pull her to me, and make it all go away. I would rock her until all the pain was gone, and kiss her until it all felt better. But I can't. This kind of pain doesn't go away like that. No matter what I do, I can't keep her from hurting again and again. I can't keep the change that she had nothing to do with from knocking her down.

The Little One is younger, and fares much better because of her age. She doesn't understand the change going on. She doesn't quite get it, and can roll with the punches more. She is the lucky on, in all of this, to be so young, and not understand it. She is the one that I can hold until she feels better, and then watch her happily go play with someone else. She will adapt faster and better, and will come out of this with much less scaring than her big sister, but she will still scar from this change.

Change can be hard. Watching your children hurt is the hardest thing of all. I am angry that my children have to hurt, and I would do anything, and have tried everything, to keep them from hurting like this, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't protect them from everything. Sometimes, we as parents are even the cause of it.

I know that children will adapt, and I am sure mine will too, but in the mean time, we have a difficult path ahead of us, full of so much more heart ache and heart break. I can only hope that I can be the best parent that I can for them both, and do everything I can to make this as easy for them as possible. In time, I hope this makes us all stronger, and better, having learned much from the hardest of situations.

Most importantly, I just hope that soon, very soon, The Big One will feel better inside.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I don't have a baby anymore

My heart is happy/sad. My baby has gotten bigger. The Little One is officially potty trained. While I know posting this may result in a few accidents, I think it is time to admit the fact that she isn't in diapers, and face the reality that she is a big girl, now.

It makes me sad. The Little One is my last little one, unless we have a miracle. So, knowing, and admitting, that she isn't a baby anymore is hard.

We took down the crib a few months ago, too. The baby toys are going this month, in the post Christmas clean out to make room for new things. She is just growing up so fast.

I'm glad that she is growing into the funny, wonderful, intelligent person that she is, but sometimes, I still miss my sweet snugly baby. I guess all the money we used to spend on pull-ups will just have to buy me a chai tea latte to cheer me up.