Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Detour Ahead

Ever feel like you made a wrong turn in life?

Lately it seems that is all I do. I feel like I am nearly constantly lost. Just when I find the path that will lead me back to where I want to be, some how I make yet another wrong turn and get lost all over again. In the real world we live in, I have no sense of direction. Apparently, this has become true of my emotional self as well.

The biggest problem with all this unlike day to day life, I can't run down to Best Buy and get a GPS to guide me through my emotional and spiritual affairs. There is no GPS, no manual, nothing that actually helps. Truthfully, though I am not alone, I have fantastic people who are always there for me, they can't really help guide me though. Everything must be my decision. It is hard. Hard isn't even the word right now.

Sometimes, I wish that I were little all over again. I wish my mom could come in and tell me the right thing to do. She could tell me how everything could be fixed, and she could kiss away all the tears.

I envy my girls in that. Everyday, as their mom, I work to make sure they don't see or feel my anxieties and emotional quagmire. They don't know most of the story. They get to keep on trucking, and be happy; be children. That is their job though. I had my turn at that and now I do my job as it is, being the mom and figuring everything out.

I guess I'll just keep on trying to figure things out, day by day, turn by turn, until hopefully I end up somewhere I want to be again.
Besides, even if they did make a GPS for life situations, it would be my luck the one I pick up wouldn't work. It would probably lead me down the path just right for a lama Herder in Tibet. I would prefer a freeway in San Diego, thanks.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Night Terror

When we were picking names for The Big One, it took so much discussion. WE never once considered the meaning of her name, when we settled on something we both loved. I think this may have been a huge mistake. Her name means something along the lines of "night demon" or "night terror".
NO really, it does.

And it fits.

The Big One has always been a terrible sleeper. Terrible. As a child, she never slept. She just stayed up and cried for days on end. She would only sleep if you were holding her. It was pure torture to put her down at night. There was screaming, crying, wailing, pleading, from both parent and child, each night. Really, it was bad. As she has gotten older, the problems have changed, but she is still a terrible sleeper in many ways.

Now that she is bigger, with much longer legs, it quite painful in a very different way to sleep with her.

If The Girls often end up sleeping with my in my queen size bed. This should be no big deal for one adult and two children, one of whom is still pretty small. I put The Big One on the far side, The Little One in the middle, and me on the near side of the bed. Some how, though, I always end up getting kicked by The Big One all night long! A couple of nights ago, I woke up with her head laying on me, and her body across her sister. I had to move her back into position. Last night, I woke up feeling feet on The Little One. It took me a moment in my sleepy stupor to realize that it was The Big One. She had moved so that her head was at the foot of the bed, and she was laying her feet on her sister's stomach. I have no idea how this happened. I immediately tried to move her, but I couldn't pick her up where she was. I had to wake her. She was so out of it, she just started crying. She stood straight up on the bed, and wouldn't move, just stood there crying. It was fantastic to try to deal with a 3am. I eventually got her into position and as soon as her head hit the pillow all was well again, OR at least as well as it can be when she somehow manages to continue kicking me across her sister.

However odd the definition of her name may be, I have to say, her name is fitting. I don't know if that means we cursed her into being the worlds worst sleeper, or if it is pure coincidence, but it fits. I often wonder if we had named her something with a more peaceful meaning, if she would have been a better sleeper, but such is life. She is who she is, and I love her just as she is, terrible sleeping habits and all.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I just can't go there...

I love to lay around with my girls, snuggle, and watch a movie. Usually I let the girls get together and pick the movie. I will give a little input if needed. For example, I might interject "stop fighting g or no one gets s movie" otherwise, its up to them.

Tonight, we were going yo watch s movie and snuggle, staying up late in celebration of today being the last day of school. So I gave the girls the movie case, and the usual speech about cooperation, and let them pick. Their pick tonight fell so far off my mark I couldn't handle it.

When The Big One was very little, we found this great series of DVDs, similar to the Baby Einstein concept, but made locally in San Diego. The DVDs were great for helping to put her to sleep, or keep her from crying. They were never something we would really watch with her.

When the Little One came along, we used them with her, too. She loved them even more than her big sister and would listen to the music to go to sleep almost everyday.

One of these DVDs is a whole collection of classic children's songs, with animated characters and children singing, and some adult with a voice that makes me want to tear my ears off singing. If you are a parent, you know that there are some children's songs, that even if the person singing has a good voice, the style and production of these songs will drive you crazy. Well, this is an entire DVD complete with horrible matching visuals.

The problem is that The Little One still loves it. Somehow, last night she even got her big sister to agree to watch it.

I can't do it. With all of the stress I am already under, I think that laying down to watch that entire DVD would have sent me over the deep edge. Strait over, with a graceful swan dive.

SO, I had to opt out. I let them watch the movie alone, then came back in later to snuggle. I felt kind of bad for abandoning them to watch alone, but seriously, it was better for all of us that I did.

Tonight, I will be picking the movie.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I Am The Punching Bag

I think somehow my karma must have gotten mixed up with that of a piece of gym equipment, because of late, I feel like nothng but a punching bag. Blow after blow just keeps on coming. I'm not sure how a punching bag takes it, but I can tell you that a person isn't meant for this much punishment.