Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Old Days / New Days

Sometimes, when you have heart ache and heart break in spades, it seems like nothing will make you feel better. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope of ever healing.

Then suddenly, you realize one day that you feel better.

Over the last year, I have had more than my share of heart break. I have had more than any one's share of heart break, but so be it. I have been devastated and down lower than low some days. My heart has been splintered into a thousand pieces.
Then, suddenly today, I felt a tiny fissure heal. It was simple. It was fast, and it was wonderful.

The craziest thing is that it wasn't anything big or new that made me feel better. In fact, it was really something old.

On top of everything going on in my life, my car has had issues. I picked it up, only slightly better than when I left it, from the local dealership's service division this afternoon. Since the slightly better was that I now have break lights, it was actually quite thrilling. Anytime I get my car back after having it be in the show for a while, or being forced to drive the other vehicle, or what not, I feel free all over again. Just like when you get your first car and know you can go where ever you want. I felt that emotional high again.

The radio stations in this area lack much to be desired. So, I grabbed my CD case from the trunk, and instantly found the old familiar pink CD of one of my favorite bands.
I popped it in, turned it up, and flew down the road. I was free. I had no children with me. I could sing the inappropriate lyrics as loud as I wanted. Suddenly, I was transported back to my glory days, riding down the road in a fast little black car, with Nirvana blaring, just jamming all alone. It was good. It was familiar. It was comfort and reassurance that I was still me, no matter how broken. And all that, just that, made me feel better. Much better.

I know that I have been beaten down, but I won't be kept down. I will go out and pull myself up by my knee high boot straps again, and I will be better. I will be ok. And along the way to better, I'll pull out any of the CDs by my favorite band, roll the windows down as soon as it is warm enough, and find that comfortable me feeling again.


woodelf said...

Love it! Music is medicine, I'm sure of it. I use it all the time, guilt-free.

buttafly said...

I cannot even tell you how happy I am just reading this right now. I'm so happy that you are letting yourself feel that freedom and taking the time for you. Yay!!!