Friday, January 13, 2012

One Of THOSE Nights

Tonight sucks.  Totally sucks.  It really sucks to have my husband gone right now.  This time, it isn't because my children were off the wall today.  Actually, considering everything we had to do they were pretty good.  It isn't because, yet again, he missed a really special moment.
This time, its because sometimes day to day life is hard, and you need a partner to be there for you.  When you are married or in a committed relationship, you expect to have that, and when you don't it hurts sometimes.

I know that being a military spouse, we usually don't say a lot.  We just suffer in silence, or relate our sadness to those who are in the same situation.  We don't complain  about how absolutely horrible it can be at times, and it is.  At least, I can tell you that I usually don't say much.  I tell people "Its fine", "We will make it", or some other very white washed expression of how I feel.  I know that I will make it.  I don't have a choice.  I have to continue on, but sometimes, like tonight, I just want to cry myself to sleep.  Unfortunately, I can't because I have too much to do to even sleep.

Girl Scout Cookie sales start at the end of this month.  Thanks to military downsizing, I lost our troop leader very suddenly over the Christmas break.  My world was instantly screwed.  Her world much more so, I'm sure, but still.  She and I worked together on everything last year.  We make a great team.  Our husbands are fantastic Girl Scout dads, and they pitch in every where they can.  So, I went from a team of four to get cookies done, to me.  Just me.  Saying that I feel overwhelmed doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have had to beg and plead to get my training.  Though I managed cookies last year, I was still required to go though the multiple hour cookie training again this year.  Problem is, this year, I have an infant.  Cookies are in general a no children allowed process.  No children at training.  No children at the Booth Sale Lottery.  No children at cookie pickup.  You get the idea.  The only times we can have any children with us are when we are selling the cookies, and it is supposed to be just the Girl Scout selling, no siblings, or tag-a-longs as they call them, at all.  This includes infants strapped to your chest in carriers.
I managed to beg a parent into going to the training for us, just so that we could sell.  Now, I have to get the rest done.
My husband is gone.  My co leader is gone.  I have no family here.  I can't leave my breast fed, straight up clingy 8 month old with a sitter.  I'm screwed.
No one gets that, either.

You would think that most people in charge who work with the scouts have children themselves, and would be more understanding.  Not so.
Tomorrow morning is the big Booth Sale Lottery.  This is a huge deal in the cookie world.  This is when we get to select our locations for selling cookies.  If you don't go, you don't get booths.  If you do, you get the crap left over at the places that don't sell that no one wants.  Some of them even come with notes about which way to face to avoid the loads of indigent people that will be around.  Really, I don't want girls there.  So, going to this lottery is vital to each troop.
However, again, I can't take the baby.  I can't leave her with any one.  So, I can't go.The parent that helped me before has no child care for tomorrow.  He can't go.  I have a small troop.  Most of my parents are in the same situation I am, mostly military families with no one here to help out.
So, were all screwed.
What really upsets me is that this year, my parents are willing to put in the work because they all want their children to earn camp, but we are all hurt by a system that isn't understanding of our situations.  If we don't get these booths tomorrow, no one will earn camp.  We won't be able to sell enough cookies to do it.  There is no way.  None of us have childcare.  None of us can go.
I need my husband.  Not just tomorrow, but for this whole process.   I need someone here tonight to tell me just to breath, and that we will figure it out.  I need someone to have my back.
I don't though. Not right now. Not for a little while longer.
This is a hard life.  Nights like tonight, when you just need a hug, are the hardest.

So, its back to stressing out about what to do, and trying to find someone, anyone, to help out.

Yes, I look forward to his retirement.  I look forward to having him home, and being able to get that hug anytime I need it.  No matter what, though, for the rest of my life, I will always be understanding of those who are in the same situation I am in right now.  I will always extend my hand, or do anything I can, to help those who don't have the support they want and need because they are military families.
Tonight, I'm sending out lots of love and virtual hugs to all the military spouses sitting a home while their spouses are gone.  Much love to you all, and speedy return so that you too can get a hug, and maybe even a kiss.