No Social Media For You

This is going to be another one of those posts that may very well cheese someone off.  In fact, I am sure that what I am about to say may be taken personally be a few people that I happen to care about.  However, sometimes in life, and especially when you have a head full of opinions that must be shared as I do, if you aren't pissing people off occasionally, you aren't doing it right.

The topic of social media has come up quite a bit in our household lately.  The Big Girls and I have taken to playing a game together through my Facebook account.  They love it.  I love playing it with them, and even with out them occasionally.  While all that fun together may be great, what it does that isn't so great is get The Biggest One to be very aware of Facebook.  Some of her friends have their own Facebook already.  I personally find that absurd.  I have told her many times, and I absolutely mean it, she is by no means ready for social media, and she will not be for quite sometimes.
(get ready for the opinion to be heard round the world)
I do not think that young children should have Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc accounts.  I think a good old email address is quite enough, and even that is a bit too much sometimes.  In addition, they should not be allowed to text, or even have a phone that is used for anything other than getting in touch with mom or dad and emergencies.
We give our kids to much access to each other.  What ever happened to good old fashioned hanging out?  What happened to real personal communication.  What about calling each other on your home phone, and talking for a while, or asking to go to some one's house, etc.  Thinking that social media and kids don't mix doesn't make me old fashioned.  I love social media.  I have a Facebook account.  I, obviously, blog.  I have a twitter account for this blog, not that I use it that well, or much, but I will admit that social media has enriched my life.  That doesn't mean i think it is appropriate for my child.  It is a little like reading a really good adult themed book.  I am reading, which is good for the mind, but just because a book is a book, that doesn't make it appropriate for every child.  You have to measure what is right for your child at each age and maturity level.  I think parents have forgotten that.  I think that parents tend to forget just how dangerous the internet can be for some reason.  Access to social media in particular I think is probably one of the most dangerous things we can let our kids do online.  Now only do we put them out there for other people to find, but we put them out there for them to embarrass or hurt them selves without realizing what they are doing.  I know I have had a moment where I have said something on Facebook or Twitter that I realized later on could be misinterpreted.  A young person will not only make that same mistake, but their lack of maturity could take that situation so much father.  They don't often understand the boundaries of what is or isn't appropriate.  I see young people, whom I love, post things all the time that they may not realize they can never take back.  Ever.  Once you put it on the net, it is there.  Not only that, but cyber bullying is a serious issue.  Why give your child a greater venue in which to be a part of that, on either side.  It happens.  We like to turn a blind eye tot that, though, and either don't care or aren't aware as parents of what all is going on.  I sincerely believe that many of the bullying deaths we have heard about would have been prevented if all parents pulled their kids back from text or internet bullying.  Can you imagine the feeling of being in your home, where you are supposed to feel safe, and being inundated with bullying via your phone, Facebook, or twitter?  It would have to be devastating to not even feel safe from people who want to hurt you in your own home like that.
So, for that and so many reasons, my kids can forget having access to much of that until they are older.  I don't care who has it and that they will be be the only ones without whatever it is they will be begging for.  They will be better off.  In addition, when they do get access, I will take the same approach that a mom and son who have been on the news lately did with a set of contractual guidelines outlining the use of social media  , smart phones, etc.  I will have access to everything, and beyond that, I will be constantly checking up on things.  I will be reading texts.  I will be checking to see if you are deleting them before I read them.  I will be on your Facebook page every day.  Believe me, I'm going to be all over it.
When the time comes, and I do realize that eventually the time will come, it will be a given as a privilege, not a right, and a privilege that in this household can be taken away at any time.

I Am Not A One Woman Army

If there is one thing I learned from my many years of leading a moms group, it is that building a good organization takes a great team.  One person, no matter how dedicated they are, can not do it all, at least not with out driving themselves into the ground, or taking speed, or both.  (The speed is a reference to an episode of Desperate Housewives, back when I used to watch.) You see, I tried to do everything when I first started up the group, and that just wasn't working for me.  Once I realized that I needed help, and I got great help, the group started to flourish.  It takes both a dedicated leader and people who are willing to pitch in to make something really work.
So, I take all of that with me as I move forward in my volunteer career.   I just started a Girl scout troop for both my girls, as there wasn't one that could take them.  I am fully aware of how much I need help.  I could try to do it all, but there are a few problems with that.  First, Girl Scouts won't let me.  It is against the rules for there to be only one adult present at get together.  We must have at least two non related adults.  That means my husband can't count, even if he is registered as a co-leader since he will be with us a lot (he happens to also be first aid trained and a great resource for many of the outdoor skills I want to teach the older girls).  Still, we need other adults to pitch in.
Second, I have a life to live, and need to do so.  When I first started my moms group, I let it run my life, and that wasn't good for me.  I had to learn that the hard way.  I tried to do everything and please everyone, but that didn't work. I made a lot of mistakes, and it took me a long time to realize just how thin was too thin when it came to stretching myself.
I want help.  I welcome help.  I actually am begging for help, but the parents have to be willing to give it.  Some will freely.  Some will when forced.  Some just don't want to.  That makes me sad.
I don't run a troop for myself.  I do this so that my girls can have a fantastic experience.  I want them to have a full child hood, and to me, this is just a part of it.  I know that it takes work, and I am willing to give that, for them.  I wish all my parents felt the same way.  Like I said, some will, and some...well, I hope I can enrich their daughters' lives as much as humanly possible for this one woman.

She Just Won't Talk

I always thought that all of my children would be talkers.  If you know me well, you know I like to talk.  My mother will talk your ear off in a minute.  My sister is a chatty Kat, too.  The Big Girls talk a lot and they both spoke pretty early as babies.  The Big One spoke very early and very well.  Midi not as much, but still pretty early.  My brother, sister, and I were all the same.  My nephew (my brother's son) doesn't stop talking.
I have one nonverbal stick in the mud, though, with The Littlest One.  She won't talk.  She just won't.  She doesn't speak much, and won't use actual words in stead of grunts very often.  I was actually concerned enough to bring it up at her last check up.  I realize that she is the youngest of three, and lives in a house where everyone talks for her. She also still uses a pacifier (Don't judge.  We are weaning off the boob and only one can go at a time.)  So, I get that all that means she will talk later, but this is driving me crazy.  At her age, The Big One would already make two or three word sentences.  "Cup, please" and sentences like that were easy for her.  Midi spoke early enough and well enough that I was never concerned.  The Littlest One, though, makes me try very hard not to be worried.  Her pediatrician went over a secondary developmental assessment with me, and she was great.  The only indicator of a developmental issue she pegged on was the question about whether or not they stare off at nothing.  She does.  All the time.  More so than the other two did.  The Dr began to question me about it, and ascertained that she does it while pointing to the nothing she is staring at, and trying to show it to us.  Freaky, but no longer an indicator if she communicated with us in some way during the process of seeing things we don't.

     The thing is, she does communicate.  She knows body parts already and will point to the one you ask.  She can follow commands, like "Get your hand out of my shirt" or "Take that to the trash".  So, her language skills are there as far as understanding words.  She just won't speak.  I will occasionally hear her say a word, a big word even, and then never say it again.  It is as if she is torturing me and being incredibly obstinate with full realization of what she is doing.  Perhaps she is aware that I want her to talk and won't.  That would seem to go right along with her personality so far.  So far, I have her pegged as being the most difficult child in regards to behavior   Not that she is a terror or anything, but because she constantly does things for a reaction   She already knows what she isn't supposed to do, and looks you straight in the eye and does them, while laughing, to get you to come after her.  She is a constant joy, I tell you.
Probably in a year or so, I will come back and tell you this is all cleared up, and she won't ever stop talking, just like her sisters.  Maybe by then she will be driving me insane with the almost three year old constant conversation.  Hopefully.  

I Always Thought Blankets with Arms Were Stupid....

There have been a lot of things I should have chronicled in my move back to the south.  Yes, I do realize that I am from Tennessee, born and raised.  However, I have been gone for about 12 years give or take a bit.  That is a great portion of my adult life, and certainly more than enough time to totally adjust to and absorb a different culture.  Second, I was born and raised in North Eastern Tennessee.  It makes a difference.  The people in North East Tennessee are just different.  They are truly in the smokey mountains.  The land is harder.  They have always been of a different spirit than most of the rest of Tennessee in some ways because of it.
So, readjusting has been interesting.
Learning to understand some of the people here has been a joy.  No.  Really.  I'm not sure if I published the blog (yet) about Midi (my new nick name for The One In The Middle and pronounced "MidE")'s first Kindergarten teacher not being able to say the word jewelry, but in cased I missed it, I will give you the short version.  It took me about 5 minutes to understand in our first meeting that she wasn't talking about a jury of some sort, but telling us the girls were not allowed to wear jewelry, and "jury" is her exact pronunciation.  She is a very nice woman, but I can't say I was entirely unhappy when they moved her to 4th grade.  Though, that meant The Big One has her for science.  That I am much more ok with, since The Big One learned to read, write, and speak more clearly elsewhere.
The is just the tip of the ice burg when it comes to adjustments, and I will try to cover more of the fantastic ones again later.
My biggest adjustment right now, though, is the freaking weather.  It is cold here.  I mean really, really cold.  I was under the misapprehension that because we are about 3 hours south of where I grew up, it would stay at least a couple of degrees warmer than home.  I was wrong.  I failed to take a couple of things into account in that theory.  First, My home town is geographically blessed when it comes to winter.  It is one of the more low laying areas in the middle of the mountains.  You can think of it as sort of a basin, though not really low, surrounded by mountains all around it.  The mountains protect is from lots of different weather patterns, and manage to help it stay a little warmer.  Second, there are a couple of very large businesses who actually contribute to the weather.  The largest plant, the Eastman Chemical Company, probably keeps the town at least a degree or two warmer because of all the steam that it emits by itself, at least if you live close like we did.  I know, that isn't really good in some ways, but when considering the fact that I am freezing to death, in that regard alone, I would take it.
Now, I live int he land of lakes.  I live closer to the water's edge than i have since I had the Gulf of Mexico in my back yard (it really was when we lived on base in Corpus Christi, TX).  There must be 3 or four different large bodies of water here.  I blame the fact that it rains constantly on that, whether there is science to back that up or not.  So, we get wet weather most of the time, mixed with freaking cold temps.  For some reason, though, that doesn't mean snow so far, or not much, just ice.  Lots and lots of ice.  I'm over it already and it is just barely January.  The lows are into the 20's just about every night. The highs sometimes reach 50, but many days it doesn't.  Freakin' cold.  
I don't own a good coat anymore.  I have one that is too big now, but I will use it when I have too.  I don't want to buy another one because I refuse to buy either wool or a puffy jacket, and my options are limited because of that.  When I find one I love, I will snap it. Instead, I wear lots, and lots of layers with a thin jacket.  I have t-shirts from Old Navy made of fleece.  I wear fuzzy socks, even with shoes.
To top it all off, our house is a monster house, and who ever renovated it did some of the worst DIY jobs ever.  There is no insulation in the entire garage addition, something we didn't know when we rented it.  That isn't the only room like that, either.  Any room that was built on seems to be constantly freezing.  It doesn't help that at least three rooms have no heat in them, because lines weren't run from the heating unit.  We try not to run the space heaters until we have to, since they cost and arm and a leg to use.  So, I don't even get to really be warm inside.
That is all why I no longer think those blanket with arms things are totally stupid.  I would use one.  Every day of my life.  I would live in them, as just another layer.  I might even use two, one on the front, and one on the back to cover up the hospital gown opening.  Yes.  I am that cold.  No.  I don't care how stupid it looks.  At least then I might be warm.

The Death Talk

Recently, we have had to have "The Death Talk" with The Big Girls twice.
The first time, it was in regards to a person, my aunt.  She didn't actually die, but she will, and probably soon.  I don't say that flippantly.  I love her, dearly.  She is a little kooky and crazy, but its all good, and she is probably the person in my extended family that I have spent the most time without, except for possibly one cousin to whom I am pretty close.  I've grown up around her, since she and my mom have worked together for my mom's business since I was very little.  I have traveled with her.  When I think of the beach, I instantly think of her.  I really do love her, and she is dying.  Slowly.  She has two artificial valves in her heart, and has since she was 17.  Her heart is totally failing now.  There isn't much anyone can do.  I knew she was getting worse, then, a couple of weeks ago, my Mom called to tell me that she may not make it through the next day.  They were at a very serious point where a procedure could be done to give her time, but it may also cost her life.  My Sister and I decided to go up immediately, but before I could leave, I had to tell The Girls why I was going. The Big One also loves this aunt.  She really does.  She looks forward to seeing her every time we go home.  The craziest thing of all is that this aunt taught The Big One how to whistle, and they are the only two people I have ever met that sound exactly like a bird when they whistle, and can only whistle like that.  Its makes for painful car trips, at times, but it is one of those endearing things in life that you both love and hate.  So, I had to sit her down and tell her that it was very likely this wonderful woman may not be with us any more, and prepare them for what seemed like the inevitable.  We were very lucky, though.  The Drs told us she would never go home, but they were wrong.  We got a little more time with her.  It won't be forever, but we will be thankful for what we get.
Talking to the girls was a difficult moment.
It was preparation, for what may be, and what will be.  It was preparation for today.
On the way back from a long work filled week with my family, My Husband called with bad news.  One of our guinea pigs, Pinky, died suddenly.  We have no idea why.  She seemed fine when he checked on them last night before he left for work  When he went in to check on them this after noon, she was dead.  The other one was trying to nudge her with her nose.  He didn't know what to do.  We talked as discreetly as we could with me in the car.  He took her out of the cage, and placed her in a shoe box until we could talk to The Girls and go from there.
For some reason, from the moment we got home, all The Big One wanted to do was play with Pinky.  Perhaps it was because The Girls were able to play with sugar gliders during the show, and it made them miss their pets, but rarely is she so intent on playing with them the moment she walks in the door.  We put her off.  A lot.  We had things to do.  We had a truck to unload.  At one point, she looked at My Husband and ask why he twitched every time she said Pinky.  Finally, we couldn't put off the inevitable.  We had to tell them.  IT was terrible.  The Big One broke down instantly, the moment she realized what we were trying to tell them.  We couldn't even finish before she was a bawling heap on My Husband's lap.  The Middle One was sad, but slower to process.  It will take her a while.  She will pop up and say something profoundly sad, then go back to being quiet.  It is her process.
We ask The Girls if they wanted us to take care of Pinky.  The Big One wanted to be a part of the burial.  The Middle One did not, which is totally fine. The Big One ask for flowers to put on her grave, and tomorrow, I will get all the things we need, and we will bury our little pet, their first pet.
This is a hard lesson.  We talked at length about pets and death at dinner.  Pinky was young and died suddenly.  We just don't know why.  That can happen again if we get another pet, and they need to know that.  They need to understand that no life is permanent.  We will always remember and love Pinky, though. They know that.  They will be sad for a while, and that is ok. They will cry more.  We all will some.  That's ok, too.
Some lessons are hard and I hate to see my children learn them.  I wish I could protect them from this, but that just isn't reality.  Death is just a part of life, no matter how much we wish it wasn't.  Though I sincerely hope that we can put off learning more from this lesson for as long as possible.

A Better Lunch

When you space your children 4 years apart each, you tend to forget things in between.  I usually can't remember what I did yesterday.  So, the fact that i have to re learn some of the best little parenting lessons each time they pop up shouldn't be a surprise to me, or anyone that knows me.
Today's little parenting lesson relearned, if you want to actually each your own lunch, you must make two.  You see, we have entered the phase with The Littlest One where whatever we have on our plates looks infinitely better than what ever is on her plate or high chair tray, even if it is the same exact food.  It must be the presentation, and the big silver fork.  She does like the shiny things.  Regardless, she likes our food far more than her own.  As any good parent would, I tend to give up a good portion of my lunch to her.  The thing is, I usually don't want to trade back for what she has, again, even if it is the same food.  Once she has it, she tends to destroy it, or in foodie terms, she likes her meals deconstructed   I'm more into a polished, total meal, than a deconstructed one that might have a little snot, or who knows what else, mixed in.  Therefore, I need to remember to make two plates for myself from now on.  The first plate will be my decoy plate.  I will star off by pretending to eat from it.  Then, once she makes her move, I can start surreptitiously eating from the second plate, while feeding her everything from the first.  I know it sounds difficult, but I am hungry and desperate to eat an actual meal.  I am glad she likes real food, and good food, too, but I wish she would like it a little more on her own plate, and not so much just from mine.

And That's Why We Moved Here

Moving from California was hard for us.  Or course it was physically difficult.  I doubt that anyone would think packing up everything you own and moving it yourself across country with three children would be easy.  Far from easy.  I would tell you that it is far less than pleasant, in fact.  Mentally, it was challenging, deciding what would go, what would be given away, how to pack what and where, and making sure we were well within our time line.  On top of all that, though, was the emotional factor.  California was really home to us, at least The Girls and I.  I don't think My Husband ever loved it like we did, and let me assure you we did, but he had lived there, at least when we wasn't deployed, for the last eight years as well.
The thing is, sometimes life gives you choices.  In our case, it was a choice that had to be made quickly.  When the opportunity rose, My Husband and I chose to move our family thousands of miles away, to an area that neither of us had ever lived in before, to try to make a better life for our family.
We chose to move here for a couple of reasons.
First, there was a job.  That happens to be a big deal right now.  He was retiring from the military, and while there were other jobs that looked like they would work in California, they weren't in San Diego, where we were.  They were pretty close.  None of them seemed perfect, though.  Then, this location popped up, gave him a call, and said they wanted him immediately.  Seriously, they said he needed to there in about a week and a half.  That was impressive.  Furthermore, they were totally impressed with him.
The location seemed ok.  The area looked decent.  Not a small town, but not huge, either.
The kicker, though, and what really clenched it for us, was that all of our families would be close.  His family was about two and a half hours away.  My sister was two hours in another direction.  My mother, brother, and the few other family members I actually want to speak to are about three hours in yet another direction.  That put us just about smack dab in the middle of everyone.  With three children to travel with, being in the middle of everyone seemed like the easiest place to be.
So far, I would say that is correct.  In the very few months that we have been in this house, my sister has come in twice, my mother twice, and we have gone to see all of them once each.  That means we have already seen more family than we have in the past few years.  This past week was Fall Break for The Girls at school.  We had a full week, and I would say that we used it to it's fullest.  We took the first weekend, and drove up to see My Husband's family.  We went to a unbelievable pumpkin patch.  The kids got to spend a ton of time with their cousin.  We got to hang out with my Sister-In-Law, which was nice.  Then, they got to spend some great time with their grandparents.  We had a fun few days.  After that, we came home to work on a few very important things here.  First, there was a science project to complete.  The Big One needed to make a model of a plant cell.  She and I spent a few days working on that, with me mostly guiding, but helping out as needed.  Second, there were Halloween decorations to start.  We love Halloween.  Decorating is a big deal for us, now that we have an actual yard to decorate.  We only got a small start, putting up the first part of our cemetery in the yard, and two of our inflatables, but at least we got started.  There was also a leaf or two, or two thousand, that needed to be taken care of.  We five bags of leaves just from the driveway, and one side of our curb (we have a corner lot with two curbs to take care of).
Once we were done here, we drove three hours in the opposite direction as our first trip, and we to go see my family.  It was also awesome.  We didn't do a lot, but we got to hang out, and that was fantastic.  The Girls got to see their other cousin, The Dangerous One, and play.  We went to my brother's house for dinner one night.  They had a Nerf war with them.  The Big One spent all night loving on, aka torturing, one of their cats.  It was seriously great.  My Sister came in, and almost every one was there.  That usually only happens once a year on Thanksgiving.  So, getting to do it on just a random weekend, was so incredibly special to me, it was just awesome.
Being able to just see our loved one, and finally getting to let the girls really be with their families, makes all the hurt of missing the ones I love, my chosen family back in San Diego, and  my home in general, dealing with all the things that are so much harder for me when living in the south, and really the Bible Belt, so much better.  This is why we moved here.  For the love, for the family.  I'm glad we did.