Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Hardest Line

Sometimes, life is a very difficult balancing act.

You have to find a way to balance the needs of those around you, your needs, your family's needs, and so on, to make things work for your life like they need to and should.

As a young person, it is easy to allow your life to be totally out of balance. You don't care what happens, you just do what you do to have fun, and be young.

As you get older, and hopefully more mature, though, keeping things in balance becomes so important. You find you really can't quite function with out it.

Keeping that balance, making your life what you want it to be, sometimes requires very difficult decisions.

Tonight, I made a very difficult decision. I had to say no to a friend whom I love dearly. As a friend, she wears the title of best for a reason. However, as much as I love her, and I do, I can not in good conscious say yes to something she ask. It isn't a little thing, and I don't say no lightly. In fact, no is a very painful word for me right now. However, I have to look at all the things in my life, and see where my decision falls. I took some time, a lot of time, and looked at how this decision would throw things out of balance for me. If I said yes, it would affect my family in a negative way, and frankly, I can't afford to do that anymore. Saying yes, even though I desperately want to, would cause more harm for us, than it would good for her. The teeter totter would be sitting with her in the air, in the good seat, and my family stuck on the ground, legs all bunched up around them, just waiting to get up, at least to the middle ground again.

I also have to keep a very precise mental balance. My life is full of so much stress right now, that I border on being off balance at any moment. In fact, the stress of just her question alone has tipped the scale in a way that I can not allow to continue. Some of the things that cause my stress I can not change, no matter how I want to. They are the facts of how we live our lives, and so I must deal with them. I have to take a very careful look at all the things that are weighing on me, and decide what I am able to cut. This is the one thing I can cut. While tonight, I am deeply saddened, and have shed many tears over my decision, I know that in the long run, it was the only thing I could do, to even attempt to regain my mental balance.

I did make an attempt before saying no. I tried to find a way to make it work, but both people on the teeter toter have to work together, and be willing to sit in the mid position, for it to be able to stay like that. She wants to be up in the air right now, and maybe she has earned her turn to be there. I just can't keep my family down, in order to keep her up.

If I were younger, I would have said yes, without thinking. I would have moved mountains to say yes. Come hell or high water, I would have been there. I can't do that anymore, though.

I have to make the hard, grown up decision. I have to look at my girls, and know that I am doing the right things for them. The right thing for all of us, even if it isn't the easy thing.

So, I say no. With a heavy, sick heart, and very sincerely hope that she enjoys her time sitting high as much as she possibly can. I hope she loves every minute of it, and when she is ready to come down again, I hope she can find her own balance.


Tanyetta said...

Sometimes when you say NO to others, you're truly saying YES to you and that's what matters most often.

Don't beat yourself up too much :)

buttafly said...

You made the right choice. I know it wasn't easy, but you should feel confident in your decision, and I think you are.

Anne-Laure said...

I am really enjoying your writing. I love how you wrote this, clearly building suspense, conveying sadness and despair, without actually divulging what you were saying no to. I am sorry it has caused you so much pain and stress, but I greatly admire the decision you have made. :)