Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Trying to Keep My Heart In Line With My Head

My head is trying to think logically, reasonably, but my heart is a little sad tonight.  I'm trying to convince my heart to believe my head, but it just isn't working.

Today was another of my OB Dr appointments.  This one wasn't my favorite.

Before I go any further, I need to insert a little back story for those who don't know.  When it comes to pregnancies, I am anything but normal now.  I don't think I ever was, having a bad history with pregnancies in general, but my last one ended very badly with the delivery.  Instead of doing a normal c-section, the Dr, aka the Butcher in my house, decided to do an incision that starts at my belly button and goes about 4 or so inches up.  Yes, up.  From that, I developed a massive hernia, and all of my organs had to be held in place with a piece of mesh about the size of a sheet of notebook paper and 10 staples going around my abdomen.  While that is still in place, I have lots of problems with it.  Then, because my abdominal muscle where was so strained, the site of my first c-section ripped open.  That is still open.  I was supposed to have this massive, nasty surgery, where the Dr was going to "remove the mesh from my tissues" debreed the opening (cut off all the dead parts of muscle to make it smooth), then sew me up from bottom to top of my abdomen.  That would cause some pulling with the muscle being more narrow, and so she was going to have to slit the side muscles of my abdomen all the way down on both sides to make more room.  Sounds nice, huh?

Instead of doing all that, I got pregnant.


The first appointment I had was a little scary.  There were maybes thrown back and forth.  However, by the second appointment, we had a hope.  They might be able to do a simple c-section, closing up the opening that is already ripped open, and just leave the rest for a while, so that I can at least care for my baby the first few months.  Eventually I would have to go back for the big nasty revision, but it could wait.

Today, the Dr just started rain on my parade a little.

To begin with, we don't have my records from the last c-section, and they can't plan anything for sure without them.  This is a must have, and 10 weeks later, no records from the previous hospital.  Now, I have to physically go down there, something I really will HATE doing, and get them myself.

Next, the Dr decided I have to go see a surgeon.  This is starting down a path I had really hopped to avoid.  I don't want to have the big nasty surgery when they take the baby, but it might have to happen.  The surgeon will be the one who really would look at everything, and make that decision.  It doesn't mean that it will happen, this just means that we are on the path to having that be an option.  I am trying to tell my self that this is just being prepared.  My OB also said that they don't deal with hernias, especially something so complicated and rare as mine is.  He wants someone who specialize in this, and would be more equipped to fix it once they got in there just in case.  Again, I have to tell myself this is all just good, practical planning.

Unfortunately, all of myself can't quite see it that way.  I want what is best for all of us, and if that means something that my heart really doesn't want, my head may just have to work double time to convince it.

Just to throw a little bit of salt in the wound, I had to get a tetanus and whooping cough shot today, because apparently whooping cough is back big time, and horrible for pregnant women.

Then, I had to have blood drawn for a standard gestational test, and the tech was terrible. He complained that my name was too long (I have both married and maiden last names along with a long first name).  I told him he should be glad he doesn't have to write it every day then.  When I found my focus spot on the wall, and started deep breathing, he ask how I was doing .  I returned the question, noting how he was doing was much more important than me at that point.  He thought he was being cute by telling me he was terrible, devastated, and piss off all at once.  I dismissed him.  Unfortunately, there was no one else there.  So, he took the blood, made it hurt, and left me with a big knot beside the vein he drew from.

Now, I'm upset with a very sore left arm in two spots.

This sucks, to say the least.

If there is any positive, its that we got to hear the baby's heart beat, and that always makes my day.  Even if The Littlest One is kicking away, hearing a heart beat always warms my own heart.  I am thankful that we are half way there, and pretty soon, I won't have to wait to feel the kicks inside anymore.  No matter how we get her, I can't wait to get her.