Sunday, April 10, 2011

Clingier Than Cling Wrap

I know that pretty much the entirety of my pregnancy has been difficult in some way or another, but honestly, the last few weeks have been ridiculous.  Most of my difficulties are magnified by or a direct result of the fact that My Husband is currently out of town.  Not being able to rest or relax, and having little to no help, The Big One does help occasionally, but lets get real, she is 7, makes getting through daily life at 36 weeks plus a bit difficult.  Raising two children physically by myself at this point is very demanding, let alone emotionally.  Last night, my husband called, and before the phone call was over, all three of us on this end were in tears.  The Girls were both crying because I wouldn't let them sleep with me, they miss him, and they were overly tired.  I ended up crying because he kept asking if I was ok, and I really wasn't.  I was just trying to hold it together on the phone.  It is all very frustrating.
Another piece of straw on the already over loaded haystack is that we are on spring break, and while part of me is glad, it is also adding to the frustration.  I love having The Big One here.  As I said, she can help sometimes.  She looks after her little sister some, and its nice to have her be near, when I know I am going to be more unavailable to her soon.  The problem is, though, that she also knows I am going to be more unavailable soon.  She is very intelligent, and also very sensitive.  She knows that I will be in the hospital, and is worried about me and the baby.  She doesn't like that fact that both her mother and father will be at the hospital for a few days.  While she will have the absolute best person in the world here with her, and the only person that could possible truly console her, my mom aka MimMim, it doesn't take her concerns away.  So, she has become clingy to the umpteenth factor.  She needs to be practically sitting in my lap all day, and let me assure you, I don't have any lap left for her to sit on.  I am tired.  I am in pain from the staples in my abdomen that are constantly being stretched most of the time now.  Kicks to my right side are painful, as I think something tore there trying to make room for the baby.  It isn't easy to have some one want to be on top of you, no matter how much you love them, when you feel like crap.
I am trying, but I know it isn't what she wants.  Today, we made chocolate chip cookies together from scratch.  She helped me make dinner, too, and then we watched a movie, with her half laying on me throughout most of it.  When it was time for bed, though, she just didn't want to go.  She fought.  She cried when I made her go to her own room, and had a bad attitude about it, as though I was being mean to her.  It isn't mean, though.  I've had them in my bed for a week, and had very little rest myself because of it.  I need to be able to lay in my bed without being kicked, hit, rolled on, or otherwise kept from sleeping through most what little of the night I actually get to sleep right now.
A few minutes after bed, she comes back in to my room, and I have to give her some praise here, she managed to get a few more minutes out of bed, before I ever realized what she was doing.  Sometimes, The Big One makes me think of a line from Wizards of Waverly Place, the tv show on Disney.  There is a line from a principal to the main character where he tells her that she isn't evil, but has evil genius.  Often, I think of that line with The Big One.  As I have said, she is very intelligent and sometimes, that doesn't work out so well for me.  Tonight, as I lay in bed, her standing over me, it took me a good five minutes into our discussion on Harry Potter, then on the the Twilight series and when she would be able to read them, as I love them so much, for me to realize what she was doing.  Brilliant.  She is absolutely brilliant.  Once I called her on it, and she smirked in a way that confirmed her diversionary tactic has managed to work to some degree, she then got very upset, nearly started to cry as she saw that I meant she was not going to be in my bed tonight, and huffed out of the room.  She wanted to be with me and I desperately need space.  Those two things don't coexist well, at all.
The Little One is always clingy when Dad is gone.  She just is.  I am generally prepared for that, but to have The Big One jump on that band wagon, and cling to it for dear life, makes it nearly impossible to keep my sanity.
As a parent, we have to walk a very fine line sometimes.  We have to balance their emotional needs with our own, or at least without forgoing the entirety of our emotional needs.  Generally, I would say that we, or at least I, tend to give more to the child, but there are times when you just can't.  I dont' think I am being neglectful in any way.  In fact, we are doing a lot together.  I can't tell you how many times I have sat and played Super Mario Bros on the Wii until I felt like my eyes were going to bleed lately, just to be with her, doing something she wanted.  We just finished reading "The Secret Garden" together.  Like I said, she isn't really wanting for normal levels of attention, its the extra attention and time that she is in need of that is the problem.  I can't do it all, though, and that is what makes it heart breaking.  I cant' be everything to all of them all the time.  There isn't enough of me.  Think of it in mathematical terms.  It really isn't possible to give 100% to essentially three children, as the time i need for myself to rest is really a direct result of the third child.  Like each and every person, my time only adds up to 100%.  So, I can give them each 33.3%, but that is the best I can do.  O can juggle it around, and spread it where it needs to be, but I can't totally neglect anyone and give someone else all of their attention and time.  Its just a fact.  I am trying to find extra things for her to do, to occupy her time and attention on her own.  I am trying to reassure her that things will be ok, but until she calms down a little, it is going to be rough around here.  I'm very thankful that her dad will be home very soon.  That will change things a bit.  That gives us another person to help take her mind off of her concerns, and spend time with each of them.
Until he gets here, though, and then MimMim comes as well, we just have to walk that line as much as we can.  I have to balance everything that I can, the best way I can manage, and I can do no more.  I'm really hoping the last few weeks pass quickly for us all, and then we can all adjust to our new lives, with our new little life here.